John's What!
by Juliano
Summary: It's back! Better than before. No longer interactive (if it ever was). Have fun!
1. the insanity begins

Hello, I'm St. John and I offered to fill in the beginning author's notes for this story Juliano's writing about me. She's out playing in the rain.  
  
I have no idea what it's about though. Oh, wait, looks like I'm about to find out. He sent Piotr in metal form. This does not bode well.  
  
Piotr-John, I have the script.  
  
Where'd your accent go?  
  
Piotr-(shrug) I feel it is better that the author has given up on accents since the evo. writers aparently have. But I also feel that I was sent here with the script for a reason. You see, I am comic verse Piotr, and already dead. You will become a father.  
  
WHAT! I'm going to have sex with a female in a fan fic? It's Tabitha right? She's the only chic I get paired up with in Juliano's deranged mind. God she'll kill me!  
  
Piotr-No, you misunderstand. You will become pregnant.  
  
I heard wrong, right? Oh, look, Rogue's walking in. Um, flyign in. So, she's sent comic verse Rogue pre-powerloss in here? Oh God.  
  
Rogue-(between muttering about life in general) The Authah's comin'. Aparently the rain stopped. Ah made 'im shake the extra watah off, but he's still kinda drippy.  
  
Good, we need to talk. Has he got his headpones on again? I swear it's immpossible to talk to him with THAT SHIT IN HIS EARS! Oh look, I got his attention.  
  
(The damnable author looks at me and frowns)  
  
Author-What? Are you tying to get an appeal?  
  
YES! Why me? Why can't. . .Rogue get pregnant.  
  
(My very beautiful head is slammed into the wall by Rogue. Any excuse to touch me I guess. :))  
  
Um, sorry Rogue, touchy subject. Gah!  
  
(I am choked harder. The author looks slightly ticked off at Rogue. Then decides that's a stupid idea and tries to wheedle her into letting me go. Good luck Juliano. Ooh, pretty spots.)  
  
Author-Rogue, I'll write another story about you and Remy in comic verse, nice and sweet, and hey, I may even do a trashy fic about you two. Put my protagonist down, and let him breathe.  
  
(I am released and colapse on the ground, trying to breathe. I still looks dashing and handsom, but also like I've just been strangled by a woman who can bench press a jeep.)  
  
Whew. Thanks Juliano. Oh, wait, no, you can't let me die because I'm pregnant. Bet you won't even write about how I got that way.  
  
(Ipout in a very sexy way. The author rolls his eyes. I remember he's asexual and curse my luck.)  
  
Author-Um, no. But I will discuss how you are able to be pregnant.  
  
Can I have whatever drugs you were on wen you came up with this?  
  
Author-This isn't my idea. Another author requested this.  
  
Shit! Is everyone against me? Aren't I dead anyway? Can't I get some rest?  
  
(Evo. Remy pops out of nowhere)  
  
Remy-Look at the category.  
  
EVO!? Life sucks!  
  
(Comic Rogue hovers around evo. Remy, taking him in.)  
  
Rogue-Authah, who the hell is this. The eyes look like Remy's and he's tall, but if ya tell me this is Remy Ah'm goin' gay in evo.  
  
(Rogue pouts, and I see that evo. me must be bisexual. Hey, best of both worlds. Oh, and btw, the hair is so not hot.)  
  
Auhtor-Well, guess you'd better start hitting on your roommate. That is Remy.  
  
Rogue-(Disgusted) Ug! Who designed his hair? Ah'll have someone's head fo' this!  
  
Remy-I think I'm not making that big an impression.  
  
(Rogue gasps in horror. I wonder why briefly.)  
  
Rogue-His accent. Oh lord! An' Ah bet he can't speak Creole. What have they done to ya sugah?  
  
(Remy looks at the now much older than him Rogue. He gets that lechterous look I now know he gets whena round any foxy older woman. He is in deep shit. I'm sitting back to ejoy this fight properly. Juliano looks at Rogue, and is about to say something to calm her down, but then looks at Remy and shuts up.)  
  
Remy-Hey, you look pretty good when you grow up. And I do know a couple of french words.  
  
(Rogue suddenly morphs into her evo. verse self. I sigh. But hey, this could still be good. Evo. Rogue looks like she could kick some ass, and hey, who doesn't like to watch a guy getting beaten? That's what I thought.)  
  
Rogue-Nope, still doesn't look good. God, Ah refuse ta believe that is his real hair. Can we get the real thing in here please?  
  
( I reluctantly pull myself into business mode, remembering for some reason that the author plans on making me give birth.)  
  
Ahem. I believe I was doing the opening. Juliano! I need to talk to you.  
  
(Julinao looks over to me while Remy turns into his comic self. His hair grows like an auburn chia pet, his facial hair becomes better, hell, even his trenchcoat is cooler.)  
  
Author-Sorry John. What's up?  
  
Why don't you spend more time writing this fic than trying to squeeze as much Romy as possible in?  
  
Author-You want to deal with raging pregnant hormones right now?  
  
No sir.  
  
Author-Then hush. And give me control again. I'm dry now.  
  
John-Crap.  
  
(We hear a throat clear. Rogue is tapping her foot, still her evo. self.)  
  
Sorry, my bad.  
  
(Rogue turns into her comic self, circa the early ninties. Long hair, orange 'n' green uniform, etc.)  
  
Rogue-Once again, 'ahem'  
  
Oh, right. I don't know how I could have forgotten.  
  
(Rogue morphs again. This time her hair flattens and becomes really short, and she is in normal clothes. She beams at the author before going into the just created shadowy corner with Remy.)  
  
John-Can we go on with the fic now? Hey, where'd Piotr go?  
  
He's getting in place. You should too.  
  
John-Will you be needing Remy for this fic? Unless you do someting I may not be the only one facing PREGNANT HORMONES!  
  
(a raspberry comes from the dark shadow corner)  
  
Let 'em have their fun John. I won't bother them 'til next capter anyway. Oh, and before we start, I rent not to own. I will someday have Marvel stock. But until then, not mine.  
  
John-Inspired disclaimer.  
  
Do you want to have twins?  
  
Joohn-Sorry. (mutters on his way to where he's supposed to be.)  
  
***  
  
Bobby was watching 'What's New Scooby Doo?' on Cartoon Network. For whatever reason all the Acolytes had up and joined the X-men. So now there were even more men sharing the same bathroom. Not that Bobby much minded. He'd gotten some 'private time' with a couple of them. He wasn't going to name any names of course. He remembered the previous night's shower and shivered a little. Hey, it was better than paying attention to Scooby Doo.  
  
Then John walked in, looking very pale. Well. . .paler. More on a Pietro level than his earlier Jean Grey tone glow. This alerted Bobby that something was definitely wrong. And chances are, it meant things were really bad for Bobby.  
  
"Hey John, what's up?"  
  
"I got my test back today."  
  
Bobby's eyes widened. This might possibly be worse than he imagined.  
  
"T-tests?" Bobby stammered, while John sat looking dejected next to him. John nodded. Then started to whine. Hey, at least he wasn't crying anymore.  
  
"I'm. . .possitive."  
  
Bobby stared at the screen. "P-possitive? For what? The clap? Gonorhea? AIDS?"  
  
John looked at him. "No. I'm (dun dun dun) pregnant."  
  
Bobby sighed in relief. "Oh, okay," and promptly went back to Scooby Doo.  
  
John started crying again, sobbing something about how insensitive men are.  
  
***  
  
Bobby-You made me gay!  
  
I'm sorry. It was the lesser of two evils. Either that or you'd have a stick up your ass like Scott. Beside, the daddy's not available right now.  
  
(Bobby looks over to the shadowy corner were Rogue is moaning and Remy is talking rapidly in Creole. I may as well not bother translating since I'll have to censor it.)  
  
Maybe. Who knows. Might be you Drakester. You did have sex with the man. . .er. . .so to speak.  
  
(John looks at me in horror, then runs to the bathroom across the room (room?) from Rogue and Remy's shadowy corner.)  
  
John-NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You foul evil demon! I can't believe you did that to me!  
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, until next chapter, this is Julinao saying, REVIEW! I need someone to help with all this official stuff, since my original helpers are. . .preoccupado  
  
(Davis ( a comic book character of no real importance) pops out of nowhere.)  
  
Am I that desperate? Nah. Sorry Davy. Come back if you go all gold 'n' stuff likie your sis. Until then you wanna hang around and see how this plays out?  
  
Davis-Um, maybe. Can I leave if I get too weirded out?  
  
Sure.  
  
Davis-Is there popcorn?  
  
Don't push your luck kid. Oh, and don't take this too seriously. This is a quasi-parody after all. Just sit back and enjoy the show. 


	2. The insanity continues

And we're back with more of our favorite aussie.  
  
(a very disheveled Rogue and Remy are sitting in chairs along with Davis and John.)  
  
Rogue-Considerin' he's our _only_ Aussie.  
  
Davis-Nuh Uh! I'm australian too. (he pouts)  
  
Rogue-Sorry. Ah fo'got. Don't know how (gies somethign off screen a pointed look)  
  
My bad okay? Jeeze, forget one little detail. . .  
  
John-I still can't believe you did that! You are beyond evil! Not only that, but I only get to have implied sex while Rogue and Remy are like freakin' rabbits.  
  
Speaking of reproduction, let's see who might be the daddy.  
  
Remy-Rabbits actually have offspring. We're being careful.  
  
Rogue-Ya mean _Ah'm_ on the pill.  
  
Remy-Right. We're being careful.  
  
(Davis looks slightly disturbed.)  
  
Davis-Juliano, are they actually like that?  
  
You were on a team with them, right?  
  
Davis-Yeah, but I'm pretty sure Rogue wasn't on the pill then. Hey, don't the comercials say they take three months to kick in?  
  
(Rogue looks up like a deer in headlights. She then looks at a very uncomfortable Remy.)  
  
Rogue-(mocking Remy's accent) Doan worry chere, Jus' like any other kin' of pill. (In her own voice, with tons of evilness) If Ah'm pregnant it's your ass.  
  
(John looks in the same direction Rogue did a few line ago. The author is sitting there in a wingback chair facing the opposite way, so you can only see the back of the chair and the faint glow of a laptop.)  
  
John-Now I don't feel so bad. At least the baby's daddy isn't Remy.  
  
I decline comment.  
  
(Remy goes very very pale.)  
  
Remy-Non. Non. Y' di'n't. Y' woul'n'. Dieu.  
  
***  
  
After Bobby realized that John's being pregnant might actually affect him things got out of hand.  
  
"What! Oh, God. The kid's going to have two dads. Well, Rogue was raised by two moms, I guess the kid might not kill itself at an early age. But. . .is it me?"  
  
John shook his head. "No idea. Ever since I came here. . .lot of guys experimenting. . .could be almost anyone."  
  
So there was a guys only meeting. Even some of the morlocks and the BoM were there.  
  
Scott had decided to take charge of this meeting, since there was no way in hell he was anyone's father. Well, at least none that he knew off. Jean had been kind of off lately. But he wasn't John's kid's father, and that was all that mattered then.  
  
"Okay, firt order of business. How the hell does a man get pregnant?"  
  
Evan was the one to answer, much to everyone but Ray and Remy's surprise. They'd been there (Davis' note: That is beyond wrong). "He's a transexual. The doctor kinda added his. . .you know, but didn't cover over the female parts. John was kinda flat to begin with. We got shown the before pictres."  
  
The girls were listening at the door. If Scott had opened it then he would have seen every glass in the institute pressed up against thin air. Kitty giggled.  
  
"I never thought Evan liked guys. I would have gone shopping with him."  
  
Rogue was listening with rapt attention. "So the guy's a transexual? That kinda explains a lot."  
  
Tabitha smirked. "Oh, he can be very manly in bed. Just a man with a poon under his wang."  
  
Scott pressed on with the meeting. Or at least tried to. Kurt spoke up before he got around to it. "What was your name before? And why would you pick St. John?"  
  
John sighed. "My birth name is Stella Algernon Johnson. My parents couldn't think of more than one name they liked for each gender, so I was given the opposite gender middle name. With a little name corruption I became St. John Allerdyce. Happy?" He didn't like being in this sort of meeting. It made him realilze what a village bicycle he really was.  
  
"Okay, anyway, when was. . .I can't ask you about this! I can't ask Jean about this, much less someone who I until recently thought was a guy." Scott said, sitting down in an empty chair with a harumph. Remy got up, being pretty sure he had the least chance of being the father, and took over.  
  
"Okay, John, when was y' las' period." Remy made a face. "Dat is disturbing."  
  
"Two months ago. Three weeks before I joined the X-men."  
  
Remy sighed. He was home free. "Okay, an' d'y' know who's mos' likely de father?"  
  
John ticked people off on his fingers. "Bobby, Ray, and maybe Evan. Could be Lance or Pietro. Probably not Facade, sorry I don't know your real name, but put him on the list just in case."  
  
Facade got up, royally ticked off. "I am not the father! You can't even remember my name! I'm out of here."  
  
The girls quickly dispersed while Facade stormed out the door. Then they clustered around the door again.  
  
"Okay, I'm takin' Facade off de lis'. If it is him y' ain't gettin' any help anyway."  
  
John was starting to get mad. And hungry. His back kind of hurt too. "Can this be over? I'll talk to all the maybe fathers later. I'm tired."  
  
"One more t'ing. Either go to a gynecologist, or have Hank check y' out. If y' wan' a baby name book so y' can give y' kid two same gender names I'm goin' t' get cigarettes now."  
  
"You're a fricken riot. You're just relieved you're not the father."  
  
A small squeak from the dor followed by the sound of three glasses hitting the floor and breaking caught everyone's attention.  
  
Rogue was trying to get in the study. She knew that this was a past thing, and that Remy had made it clear what they had was as physical as all his other relationships. But she didn't give a damn. She'd been after him all week for calling her Debbie in bed. (DN:how can she touch him? Doesn't evo. Rogue have her powers? AN:Read How much embarrassment can two mutants take? Same deal.)  
  
The door opened revealling Jean and Tabitha holding a very angry Rogue back from the door. Kitty, Jubilee, Amara and Wanda were still holding glasses, trying to shush Rogue.  
  
Unfortunatly for him, Sam was the one to open the door. He was promptly run over by a furious Rogue, who jumped over the fold out table and tackled Remy.  
  
"Ah think we have eavesdroppers," was all Sam could say before passing out from being stepped on.  
  
***  
  
Davis-Art imitates life huh?  
  
(we see Davis is in a chair similar to the author's, but facing forward. Rogue is still glaring daggers through Remy. John is quietly watching in amusment. Sam bursts in, with a boot print clear on is face.)  
  
Sam-Juliano, why are you an' Panthah so evil to me?  
  
(Juliano's chair becomes one of those swirly desk chairs, and an ultra-modern desk now holds his beloved old crappy laptop.)  
  
I'm sorry Sammy. I hate how your character is so sterotypical. C'mon, a miner's son forced to take on family responsibilty early in life? Seen October Sky? Same story, and I don't like that movie either.  
  
(Sam pouts)  
  
Sam-That's not my fault.  
  
I know. Hey, how 'bout you join me 'n' Davis here. You won't be part of the fic anymore.  
  
Sam-Sure. Thanks. Can I maybe get a good part in the next one shot you do?  
  
We'll see.  
  
(another desk chair pops up from nowhere, and Davis' chair morphs to match it.)  
  
Sam-Any popcorn?  
  
*sigh* No. Not unless Davis makes it.  
  
(Davis hops up.) I get to do something? I mean, beside angst about my life and all? Cool.  
  
(Davis goes to the kitchen. Soon the sounds and smells of a well made bucket of 'corn are wafting out of the kithcen.)  
  
John-Man I'm hungry. (realizes what he's said) I hate you Juliano. You know, I can make this turn into a suicide fic.  
  
NO! How's this. You suffer through this, and I'll give you a Zippo.  
  
John-Really? A good one? With a cool design? (realizes something and gets a sour look on his face.) I'm not that easy to bribe.  
  
And I'll let you choose the baby's daddy, as long as it's not me.  
  
John-(brightly) Deal!  
  
Okay, now for an interresting review. SCOTT!  
  
(Scott runs in with a bunch of computer paper.)  
  
Scott-Why don't you just hook the laptop to the internet? Oh, wait, it's the only way I get in the author's notes. And do I get to be my comic self? Nooooo. I'm the evo me.  
  
(Scott morphs into his current comic self. The author shakes his head and turns him into his ultimate self.)  
  
Much better. And as for you Sam . . .  
  
(Sam turns into his X-treme self, yummy artwork and all.)  
  
Okay, let's respond to our review. A little help you guys?  
  
(Nobody hops up to do it. But Davis comes back in with a large thing of popcorn.)  
  
Fine. John, take it.  
  
John-Joy. Okay, lesee. HE thinks I should be straight. YA READ THAT JULIANO! HE WANTS ME TO BE STRAIGHT. Thank you Daniel. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. Honestly, there are some very nice looking men. But it gets tiring. Everyone else is shaken up with the occasional slash, but do I get to go out with a woman? NO.  
  
Hey! I hook you up with Tabby at least half the time!  
  
John-Yeah, but you don't post those stories. They don't exist yet. As for the comic forms. . .I'm glad too. Well, at least someone likes this monstrosity. Hate to be knocked up and have someone hate it. . .  
  
John, you know it's all in your court. You don't have to be gay. Actually, techinically, you're just a transvestite. So you won't be gay.   
  
John-Hmm. Right, I'm sorta a chick now. I think I'm oging to have fun with this. . .*evil grin*  
  
Yikes. Care to join us Scott?  
  
Scott-No. I'm not risking having _another_ child in a different universe/time period. Have fun guys. (Exit Scott)  
  
Davis-What was he talking abotu?  
  
When you're older Davy.  
  
(Remy clears his throat)   
  
Remy-Speakin' of no kids in alternate universes. . .  
  
You don't want her to be pregnant. Hmm. If you 'n' her come up for air during the author's notes, we've got a deal.  
  
Rogue-(immediatly, not even looking at Remy) Deal.  
  
(Author, John, Sam and Davis all mutter something that sounds extrodianrily like 'whipped'. Remy scowls.)  
  
Remy-(muttering) Evil psychotic author.  
  
Flattery gets you nowhere.  
  
Remy-What drugs are you on?  
  
Well, I have been watching candles a lot lately. . .  
  
John-Really? Is that how you knew I'd like a Zippo?  
  
Yeah, that and you only have flamethrowers as far as I can see.  
  
John-Can I have a candle in my room?  
  
Only if you let me come in and play.  
  
Sam-You're the Baby's Daddy!  
  
Am not. This isn't a self-insert. You know, I've always wanted to write about comic verse Kitty.  
  
(Comic verse Kitty pops in, followed by a re-incarnated Comic verse Piotr.)  
  
Kitty-The Hell? Well, I guess it's better than Striker. Maybe. (Sees Piotr) PETE!  
  
Well, that was fun.   
  
Davis-You pulled in another couple? What are you thinking?  
  
Rogue-The professor couldn't figure out what he's thinking.  
  
It's the tin foil wall paper.  
  
(all give me the author odd looks)  
  
Joking. Joking. I have normal wallpaper, just abnormal thoughts.  
  
Piotr-I am afraid now.  
  
Kitty-Me too Pete.  
  
Rogue-Oookay. Anyway. . .  
  
Hmm, this is over long. Until next time, I'm Juliano saying baaaaa. And REVIEW!  
  
Davis- And I'm Davis Cameron saying "Look Ma, no angst!"  
  
Hmm. You're mom's Shi'ar. I think they live off angst.  
  
Davis-Then she'll die won't she?  
  
Ooh, you're evil. I may have to keep you around. Or shoot you between the eyes before you take over my job. Whichever. 


	3. Poke it again Davis

(We see Juliano, Sam, and Davis sitting on a beautiful couch. This couch is absoloutly gorgeuos, if a little too small for the three occupants. They keep bumping each other with their elbows, and the popcorn is spilt on the floor in front of them. All have identical looks of horror and awe on their faces.)  
  
We are in the middle of the world's weirdest orgy. The three couples don't know we've started the notes yet. Remy and Rogue have been at it for the longest, but they aren't the worst. Kitty and Piotr are the worst.  
  
(Davis nods)  
  
Davis-she screams. Loud. It's. . .frightening.  
  
And John is with the soon to be announced father. We are happy to announce it is neither Remy or Piotr. At least. . .we assume.  
  
(Sam and Davis shudder)  
  
So, I think I should start this fic, so as not to give away the baby's daddy's identity. We need a theme song for this fic. Any ideas you two?  
  
Davis-I can't think. Kitty and Piotr are starting again.  
  
Well we can't have that. AUTHOR'S NOTES NOW!  
  
(Kitty and Piotr's corner is full of grumbling and the sound of people getting dressed. Rogue and Remy's is full of full out bitching, and the sounds of two people having some weird form of foreplay while getting dressed.)  
  
(Sam falls over, aparently too shocked for words. The couch morphs into two chairs and a bed for Sam.)  
  
Sam. Sam! SAM!  
  
(Sam jolts up.)  
  
Sam-Make it stop. Please.  
  
Listen, it's stopped.  
  
(The two couple slink out of the shadows.)  
  
Now that you're all up, let's get started on the fic shall we? I just wanted you four to be here for the disclaimer.  
  
Kitty-I will kill Marvel for letting you use us like this. And for killing Piotr. And Illiyana. And not hookin' me up with Kurt after Piotr died. And the other crimes against humanity they have commited.  
  
The veiws expressed by this college girl are only mainly the opinion of the author. Crimes against humanity seemed strong at first, but then I thought of everything recently, which will not be named, I see that perhaps it's not all that strong. Oh,a nd sorry th ewrong chapter uploaded last time. Heh, my bad.  
  
(nods from all present)  
  
But that's neither here or there. On with the fic!   
  
***  
  
John is sitting in Hank's lab. Hank has taken a blood sample, and is looking at the results. When the good doctor said he may be able to tell the father of the baby John had jumped at the chance.  
  
"Well, John, I'm not sure what to tell you. I know the baby's other parent, but. . .I'm disturbed. I'm sorry, that was very unprofesional, but it's the truth. The baby's father is. . .Jean." (DN: You didn't! SN: Ha!)  
  
John nodded and hopped out of the chair he was in. "Okay, so I'm going to tell Jean she's a daddy. Thanks for clearing that up. Now what should I do to keep the baby healthy?"  
  
"Go to a gynecologist. I'm not repared to handle this sort of thing. I'm not really good at maternity. . .paternty? I'm not good at pregnancy health care." Hank said, deciding he definitly deserved a vacation after this appointment. And if the professor refused to compy Hank might be forced to set the wastebasket in the profesor's office on fire.  
  
"Okay. Thanks for the heads up." John said, chirpily walking out of Hank's lab, really glad he got to expose Jean for the transvestite she was.  
  
***  
  
(All are staring forward with the same expression Sam, Julinao, and Davis had earlier. All are sitting on top of a really long picnic table. Jean is crying.)  
  
Jean-WHY? I didn't mean to use your toothbrush! It was just there. *continues sobbing*  
  
Rogue-Ah am really disturbed. Wow. You are one f'ed up little boy.  
  
(Juliano grins)  
  
I think I reached new lows with that one. Good choice John.  
  
John-*Smiling evily* Thank you Juliano. I would like to thank you for making such perfect revenge.  
  
Remy-Y' know what. I t'ink we should jes' forget dat happened f'r now.  
  
Rogue-Yeah. Definitly.  
  
Kitty-Yano, Trask doesn't seem like such a crazy guy anymore.  
  
(author pouts) I'm not trying to kill anyone in the name of religion.   
  
Sam-okay, let's just all forget that happened for now. Any popcorn left Davy?  
  
Davis-(looking in the bowl) Nope. Hey, what's this? (pokes something in the bottom of the bowl) Gross.  
  
(thing in the bottom of the bowl gets bigger.)  
  
Sam-Um, Juliano. . .  
  
I don't know, this is all off the cuff. Hey, Davy. . .poke it again.  
  
(Davis does so, and is sucked into the bowl.)  
  
Rogue-Damn.  
  
Kitty-Omigod!  
  
Peter-. . .  
  
Sam-You killed Davis!  
  
John-You bastard!  
  
This could only be one evil villain-  
  
Remy-Who? Not Magneto's style, not Mystique's either, not to meniton why would either of them want the whiney ass aussie-  
  
John-Hey!  
  
Remy-(ignoring John) I can't think of anyone with both the ability and motivation to do somet'in' like dis.  
  
Sam-(whispering to the author) you for got his accent for a while there.  
  
(whispering to Sam) Shut up Sam. (loudly and very dramatic) No, you have not met this villain. For it is. . . the Moderator (dun dun dun)  
  
(Strange looks abound)  
  
The person responsible for most censoring on the internet. Normally on the side of good, the moderator can be unduly swayed by the foul temptress, Power. Aided by Time Shortage, Power weilds control over the hapless Moderator. We must right this wrong!  
  
John-(jumps up) Here here!  
  
Sam-This is retarded.  
  
You've been taken control of too, haven't you?  
  
(all except John and Sam, who the author has in a head lock back away, suddenly remembering places thay're supposed to be.)  
  
Come John, we'll bring the doubter who doesn't know the Moderator's power and protect our compadre!  
  
(John jumps in the portal. Sam is thrown in by the author, who jupms after posing dramatically.) 


	4. They're in TROUBLE

It's Rogue. Ah've taken ovah the narration since the authah's out savin' the world. Unfortunatly there ain't been much ta narrate since he took John with 'im. So, Ah guess we should just keep goin' with who we've got, huh?  
  
Remy-Yeah, guess so. Not like anyone cares. It's jes'. . . who knew he has dragons?  
  
Kitty-They are _so_ creepy. The one just keeps rubbing up agianst my leg like a cat. Lockheed's getting jealouse.  
  
(Kitty indicates a curled up thing in her lap. Petah is next ta her, with his arm around her shouldahs. Remy has his arms around mah waist, and we'ah all lookin' ovah the newest script addition.)  
  
Kitty-Are you sure this is where the author was going with that angle? I don't think you two were you know. . .emotional about anything.  
  
Yeah, but who'd he leave in charge here?  
  
Petah-His dragon.  
  
Can a dragon type?  
  
Kitty- If you gave it back the laptop it could.  
  
Ah bet you two woulda been left out except fo' bein' extras like me.  
  
Kitty-We're probably better off that way, you kow? I wouldn't do something like this if I were you two.  
  
Remy-We _are_ his favorite characters.  
  
Kitty-So's Ororo and notice how much she's in this story.  
  
Petah-Obviously showing his favoritism if you ask me.  
  
Let's just get started, okay?  
  
***  
  
Remy and Rogue were in the kitchen, drinking coffee.  
  
"So, ya mean that all this time you've been trying to show me that being able to touch would be good?"  
  
Remy nodded, before taking a drink of his coffee, making it seem like the sexiest thing anyone in the world has ever done. "Soun's 'bout right. I had t' pay y' back f'r fixin' m' hair so I don't look like a geek."  
  
Rogue smiled and pulled her glove off. "Ah'd like ta show ya what all yo' hard work has done fo' me. . ."  
  
She reached over with her ungloved hand, brushing a bit of his magically longer (Ah can do whatevah want so ha!) hair out of his face, making a point of running her fingers over his forehead. He smiled and grabbed her hand, sucking on her fingers.  
  
Rogue climbs on the table and kissed him, undoing the buttons on his shirt-  
  
***  
  
Oh Gawd! Hi Juliano. . .how's the Moderatah?  
  
(Julinao gives me a really unhappy look)  
  
Juliano-Give me the control back.  
  
(I am rightfully re-instated.)  
  
Oh, for those of you who haven't read chapter three agian, the chapter three that _was_ there was actually chapter four my friened's fic. I've fixed it now.  
  
(Rogue tries to erase the rest of her script. Kitty is hiding Lockheed from the author's no longer sleeping dragon.)  
  
And as for you four! I left Attitude in charge, as I'm sure he told you. Look at this! This is smut! And you have terrible writing! The tenses are all messed up. And the Kitty 'n' Peter parts are just beyond wrong. For this you shall have to pay a price. Rogue, since you can magicaly touch now, I'm going to give you lots of guys to touch. Kitty, if you like showers so much, maybe a little OCD should be in order.  
  
(The men try to look like they're not nervouse.)  
  
And as for you two, you will be in John and Jean's wedding.  
  
(they look realived.)  
  
As flowergirls.  
  
(Sam and Davis smirk. John looks happy)  
  
John-Oh! Will their dresses be the same color? I hope their flowers match mine!  
  
Remy-Oh god. Y' mean. . .  
  
Yep. Jean's getting a tux, John and I are going to pick out his dress right now. Since it's been a couple months we'd better get one with extra room huh?  
  
(John looks slightly unhappy, but the others look even worse, minus Sam and Davis who are laughing their asses off.)  
  
John-Where is my future husband?  
  
Rogue-(very sulkily) With Scott. She's gonna cheat on you with him a lot I hope you know.  
  
(John shrugs)  
  
John-Eh. As long as he comes home to me at night I'll be fine.   
  
I don't think you should talk about anyone cheating Rogue. I hope you didn't make Remy obsesivly possesive in your. . .oh, look, you did.  
  
(Rogue looks at the ground, really unhappy)  
  
Rogue-All we'ah gonna do is argue, right?  
  
Uh huh. And this time, he can bring up your indiscretions. I do so love switching gender roles. Come on John, Panther wants us to be at the store soon.  
  
(Remy and Rogue look around.)  
  
Remy-Panther? Where? She won' let 'y do dis. . ."  
  
(Remy is cut off as The Author turns his image inducer off. Everyone stares at him because the author now has two heads, one of which is duct taped shut. She pulls the duct tape off.)  
  
Panther-Ta da! God I'm glad to talk again.   
  
(Everyone looks at the author's now female form.)  
  
Sam-That explains a lot.  
  
(Sam mysteriously falls into a coffee table)  
  
Panther, this is my fic. You promised. . .  
  
(Sam un-falls into the coffee table)  
  
Thank you. Do you approve of how they're being punished?  
  
Panther-Hmmm. I like the OCD and public humiliation is always fun. But, don't you give me that look, I don't think Rogue should be a total slut.  
  
Rogue-Tol'ja  
  
Panther-BUT she should have sex with Scott so he doesn't jump of the roof or whatever.  
  
Remy-NO! I am _NOT_ going to let Scott anywhere near her! I can' loose t' him! Panther, if I loose t' Scott I'll be as pathetic as when Logan was mooning over Jean. 'Member dat?  
  
(Panther looks swayed.)  
  
Panther-Well. . .  
  
(The Author cuts her off)  
  
Not your place to decide anymore Panther. Your original idea will hold. Let's go to the next part of our story, a two for one to make up for last chapter's confusion.  
  
Panther-Since we can do it without John let's go get his dress now. I want to get control of the body now.  
  
Deal. Don't even think about messing with the inducer's make up scheme though. I hate being looked at like that.  
  
Panther-(Messing with the watch) What was that? I couldn't hear.   
  
(She is now wearing a lot of black eyeliner swirls and appears to be minus my head. And she wonders why I don't like her messing with the inducer.)  
  
***  
  
Rogue sat up from her place under the kitchen table. "God that was good."  
  
Remy also sits up, but since he's taller than her, he smacks his head on the table.  
  
"Shit! Owowowowowowowow!"  
  
Scott walks into the room, carrying a bottle of Nyquil, drunk. Rogue pulls her skirt and tank top on before crawling out from under the table to comfort her old flame.  
  
"Scott, ya okay?"  
  
"Jes' fine, Rogue. 'Cept Jean got a man pregnant!" He puts his head on the table and sobs. Remy pulls his pants on and climbs out of the table's shadow to find Rogue rubbing Scott's shoulders and trying to stop his crying.  
  
"It'll be okay Scott. Ya bettah than Jean treated ya anyway."  
  
Remy looks like he's about to interfere, but Kitty comes runnign in the room, Swiffer mop in hand. She spies the lipstick covered and disheveled Remy and tackles him.  
  
"Dirty dirty DIRTY!" Kitty begins scrubbing him with a Swiffer pad while Scott looks up at Rogue.  
  
"Can we talk somewhere where Kitty isn't attacking Remy with an over-priced mop thing?"  
  
"Sure Scott." Rogue says with a slightly lecherous sound to her voice.  
  
***  
  
(Panther, John, and a saleswoman are in a dress shop, looking through the racks.)  
  
John-They're all white! How creative is that? I want something interresting.  
  
(He catches sight of a thick red strap among all the white sleeves. John pulls the dress out and looks it over. It is dark red at the top, fading into light orange near the bottom. He grins at Panther, who's looking at the size.)  
  
Panther-Well John, a few alterations and I'l lbet you could wear this. Tell the woman to get over here and give you about five extra inches of room in the stomache.  
  
(measurements are taken and soon John and Panther search the shop to look for flowergirl dresses that match what John's wearing _and_ the dresses their female dates are wearing.)  
  
(the author's voice comes from seemingly nowhere)  
  
God that was sick. Until next time, I'm Juliano-  
  
Panther-And I'm Panther Nesmith-  
  
John-And I'm gonnabe the prettiest bride ever!  
  
Saying don't mess with an author or his dragon. 


	5. Fluff and Three Ways

(John is sitting at a table, looking for flowergirl dresses. Piotr is tryign to forget that KItty smells like swiffer stuff. Remy is sitting at the table across from John, staring at the grain. Sam, Davis, and Juliano, with his imagine inducer on, are on a nearby couch, confering.)  
  
Okay, welcome back. It's later in the day. The dress shop had no good dresses for transvestites. So John got a specialty catalouge. I'm tryign to decide whether Panther gets to play in this chapter. I'm half afraid she'll have Scott pass out or something like that to save Rogue's integrity. Or undo my swiffer Obsesive Compulsive disorder.  
  
(Kitty stares at the author)  
  
Kitty-I'm sure real OCDs aren't that bad.  
  
Monk would have used moist towelettes, but it's almost the same.  
  
(John sighs. The author goes over to comfort him, but is waylaid by himself and pulls his image inducer off. Panther is in control of the body, and reprogarams it to show only her.)  
  
Panther-Wasa matter Johnny?  
  
(John looks heartbroken at Panther.)  
  
John-Jean's only marrying me so the kid will have her last name. I feel like she doesn't care about me and would ditch us in a heart beat if Scott said he wanted her back.  
  
(Panther hugs the pregnant aussie.)  
  
Panther-Juliano. . .  
  
Fine, fine. But you can't change anything else this chapter, got it? And we're not going to sit here and look at dresses after ward.   
  
Panther-That's what you think.  
  
***  
  
Scott and Rogue are full blow snogging against the living room door. Scott's hands are everywhere, and Rogue is enjoying every minute of it.   
  
The door gives an ominous squeak, which both parties ingore. That is, until it opens and both of them fall into the room, Rogue pinning the inebriated Scott to the floor. John is on the couch, asleep.  
  
"C'mon Scott. Let's let the man sleep."  
  
Rogue pulles Scott up. Remy prowls into the adjacent hall just as Scott and Rogue close the door and continued macking  
  
"'M goin' t' break into de prof's liquor. You two in?"  
  
Scott is about to comment when Rogue shuts him up.  
  
"Sure sugah."  
  
All three traipse off to Xavier's office.  
  
___  
  
Jean t.ks the door open, silently walking into the room. She kneels next to John and kisses him. John openes his eyes and smiles at her.  
  
"hey you." John said sleepily, turnign over to face his finace.  
  
"Hey yourself. You know John, you look really-"  
  
"Fat?" John says poutily. He is definitly feelinga little heavier.  
  
"You're not fat, you're pregnant. And I was going to say beautiful."  
  
Jean runs her fingers over John's face. John leans his head into it, smiling.  
  
A bit of reality choses this moment to hit John's brain. "I hope our kid is going to be okay." John says, no longer smiling. Jean kisses his forehead.  
  
"It'll be okay. You'll be the dad. I'll be the mom. We'll raise it here. The others will love the baby. We'll love it more. And things will eb good. You'lls ee." Jean kisses John in between every prediction for their future. JOhn eventually smiled int he reflected beauty of it.  
  
"Thanks Jean."  
  
Jean smiles at her future wife. "No problem love."  
  
***  
  
(All females, Panther included are looking at John and Jean with the classic 'Aww you two are so cute together face.' Jean looks embarrassed, but not unhappy, and John is glowing.)  
  
I am sickened. I wrote that for you Panther. Now for what I want to do. . .  
  
***  
  
Remy breaks out another bottle of scotch. All three have already had a lot. Rogue is sprawled across both men. Scott is under her legs, but even more under the influence. Remy pours thre more shots and hands them out. He downs his, and hands the other two off. Rogue sits up to drink hers. After she finishes Remy grabs her face and kisses her. Scott is massaging her thighs, working his way up. Do the math people.  
  
***  
  
(All are lookinga t Juliano evilly.)  
  
Rogue-The hell was that fo'? Ah've been good.  
  
I need to reassert my authority-  
  
Panther-He's feeling inadequate. I adopted a baby that would have been aborted other wise and he's mad. Killian's so cute though, and he likes to experiment evilly on other people's bodies. Like his momma.  
  
(John squeals and asks to hold the demon child. Panther glares at me for referring to her son as a demon.)  
  
Panther-He's little. And we're evil scientists, so it's okay. Huh Killian?  
  
(All the women, minus Jean, and John start playing with the baby. I regain control of the body and hand Killian off to Rogue, who smiles at him. I then attempt to go watch soccer with Sam and Davis. Panther tries to stop me. We keep going toward the tv.)  
  
Panther-Juliano! We have to ick Remy and Piotr's dresses! Wait! *gives up on that tactic* PAGE FOURTY! BOTTOM RIGHT FOR REMY, TEN, LEFT PAGE FOR PIOTR!  
  
(John flips through the book while the author, Sam, and Davis all watch Germany versus Ireland.)  
  
Kitty-*still layign with Killian* He's such a cute little boy. *notices the chapter has wound down* Should we fade to black now? 


	6. A Wedding Story

(Juliano is sitting next to a very edgy Jean. She is playing with her now very short hair. She is also in a tuxedo.)  
  
Jean-Oh my god. Oh my God. Oh my God.  
  
(Jean gets up to pace. Juliano looks down at him, er, herself. Panther is already running a lint brush over their pant suit.)  
  
I can't believe Scott wanted to be best man.  
  
Panther-(still lint brushing) Killian, honey, go check on John wouldja? Tell Rogue and the boys they need to hurry up if we wanna get to the church on time. *puts the lint brush down* Juliano, I can't believe what you did to Rogue.   
  
(Jean perks up. I shoosh Panther. Stupid blabbermouth other head.)  
  
(Panther glares at me. I meant that in a nice way Panth. You know that.)  
  
(Panther rolls her eyes. Jean starts pacing)  
  
Just relax Jean. This'll go off without a hitch, I promise. I give my sheep's honor.  
  
(The devil. . .er, Killian, comes back with a note. Panther smooths his slightly tossled hair and picks bunny fur off of him. We see his pet bunny Ben is hopping behind him, playing a game boy. Killian hands the note to Panther, gives me a dirty look, and settles into the couch with an anatomy book.)  
  
Panther-John needs our help. Apparently Peter is having a hair situation. Remy's seems to be stuck in his dress zipper.  
  
Peter's or his own?  
  
Panther-(perusing note) Doesn't say. It does say Sam and Davis are on their way to talk Jean down. To the bridesmaids Robin! *sings Batman theme as we run to the adjacent room*  
  
(John is standing in the corner, laughing his arce off. Remy is holding his hair, which has gotten long, since no one here is qualified to give a hair cut. It is indeed stuck in an equally shaggy Peter's dress. The haridresser we hired for the day (Marrow) is sulking and hating life.)  
  
Remy-P'tite, y' wanna, y'know, HELP ME OUT A LIL' HERE! In case y' havent' noticed I seem t' be de comic relife f'r dis section. At least no one's made a Joe Dirt joke yet.  
  
Marrow-(snickering) Sure thing, mulletov cocktail.  
  
(Marrow makes short work of Remy's horrible mullet. He now has what Panther would call his 'why-can't-anyone-figure-out-that-he's-friggin'-hot-lookin'-like-this' Xtreme hair cut. Peter looks at the hair stuck in his dress with disgust. It magically disappears. He gives me a grateful look.)  
  
Peter-I believe it is my turn for a hair cut.  
  
(Peter looks like he dyed cousin It and stuck It on his head. Marrow fixes him up with a very hot hair cut. Stupid female hormones. I'm relinquishing narration to Panther.)  
  
Rogue-Okay, now that that's fixed, Ah gotta question. How long until the weddin' ovah an Ah can take these shoes off?   
  
(Rogue motions to the short heels that go with her beautiful red with black designs dress. They do appear to be the wrong size. A bit too big. Also, exactly the color of her beau's (no pun intended) dress. Ah.)  
  
Those are Remy's.   
  
(Remy opens the shoe box next to his feet. They are plain black pumps, much taller than his date's current footwear. We don't want to dwarf her, do we? Nope, I thought not. *grin*)  
  
Remy-Sorry, chere. *straightens his dark red dress, pulling up the straps and such*  
  
  
  
(His dress, like Peter's fit the male body quite well. They don't bell out at the hips, instead they go straight down their legs until about the knee, where there is a slight but noticeable change in skirt diameter. The chest is wider, although not as large as woman's dress would be. Peter's dress is a lighter shade of red, but still manages to look very beautiful and work with John's dress. Kitty is wearing a plain black dress, which still manages to look cheery. Probably all the pretty accesories and her basic contenance is one of happiness. She is no longer OCD.)  
  
John-I have to do something with my hair!  
  
(John's hair is also longer, down to about his shoulders. He has opted to keep it that long, at least for the night. His breast have grown (it's a pregnant thing) and he fills out his maternity dress very well. He is messing with a piece of burgundy tulle (the netty stuff used in veils). The rest of the head piece is sitting on the dresser. It is a gold tiara set with garnets and rubies. His bouquet, full of popies and other vibrant red flowers is sitting in the florist's vase thingy to keep it fresh, along with corsages for Remy and Peter, and a thingy to put on Jean's jacket.)  
  
Man do I feel under dressed right now. I told you we should have worn the dress Juliano.  
  
Juliano-Let it be. Help John with his hair.  
  
(John's hair is twisted into an intricate and beautiful design by Marrow, using her bones as curlers and other nessesities. We're cheap, sorry.)  
  
(John looks in the mirror and squeals in delight. Marrow goes back to her corner to sulk, even though she really doesn't have to, since we gave her control of her powers. Ah well.)  
  
Let's get going with this, huh?  
  
---  
  
Jean stands by the altar nervously. A priest (John's religous, who knew?) is looking through his bible, making sure he has the book marks in the right places. He could do it by heart, but that unsettles the merried couples, usually.  
  
Scott is next to Jean, along with Jamie, who has the rings. Forge is behind a very interesting contraption in the corner. We assume this is the source of the symphonic music currently not helping Jean's nerves. Perhaps the theme to Metal Gear Solid is not the best choice of pre-wedding tunes.  
  
Suddenly the God aweful music stops. All of the assembeld mutants, Dr. and Mrs. Grey, and a strange two headed being in the far back corner sit in anticipation for a full second while Forge recalibrates his music machine. Then, the traditional wedding march blares through the speakers. After the classic riff is played, the style shifts to alt. rock. Remy and Peter start down the ailse, following the little morlock girl with the big hands. She is in a cherry red dress, throwing red poppey petals on the red carpet. The flowers are all dark red, however, all the other decorations are the traditional white.  
  
John is not far behind, holding his bouquet full of red flowers. He catches a look at Jean, who has not seen her bride for a full twenty four hours. Oh, yes, they're following every tradition. John's veil makes up half of the dumb rhyme. The tiara is 'borrowed' (Remy swore he'd take it back after the wedding), the tulle is from an old dress of Rogue's, as the fabric store didn't have any. John's panties are blue, though none of the party beside Tabitha (who helped him put his dress on) know this. Obviously the dress, shoes, flowers, bra. . .everything else is new.  
  
John and company wlak downteh aisle, not taking their time, since the marhc doesn't last as long as usual. OH! I almost forgot to mention who's giving John away. On John's arm, looking very unconfortable in his tuxedo, cape, and helmet is Magneto.  
  
They get to the altar. Magneto lets go of Jonhn, who scurries over to his husband-in-a-few-minutes. The preist opens the book.  
  
"Dearly beloved, we are gatehred here today to join this transvestite and this transexual in holy wedlock. Since they are different genders, I have no problem with this. Since the bride and groom are anxious to save time, and most of you have drowned me out by this time already, we're doing the short version."  
  
The preist takes a deep breath while the audience starts paying attention again.  
  
"John, do you?"  
  
John nods, looking overjoyed. "Yeah."  
  
"Jean do you?"  
  
Jean smiles at her wife. "Sure."  
  
The preist looks at the crowd. "Any problems?"  
  
No one speaks up.  
  
"Good. You're married. Put the rings on and kiss 'im."  
  
The preist slams his bible shut while John and Jean exchange rings and spit.  
  
"Break it up you two, save it for tonight."  
  
---  
  
I think that's all that need be said. I'm Panther Nesmith saying Peace and Love. and REVIEW! 


	7. The Reception

All the mutants, minus John and Jean, are in a rented comunity hall. I mean ALL the mutants. Apoclaypse and Sinister are smoozing with Xavier. The couples, including Rogue and Remy (who have both taken off their uncomfortable shoes), are dancing.  
  
The only people who seem to not be having a good time are Kitty and Piotr. Potr has refused to set foot in the hall until a replacement set of clothes is procured. Kitty is trying to persuade her date to go in.  
  
"Katya, I cannnot be seen in a dress I bought from a store called 'Sweet Transvestites'. In fact, I believe I will not be in this fic for much longer."  
  
***  
  
What!  
  
Piotr-You heard me. I will no longer take orders from a two headed sheep. I will be leaving this fic. I am better off dead.  
  
(Piotr exits the entire world.)  
  
Can he do that Panther?  
  
Panther-I dunno Juliano. I've never had a character quit.  
  
Sam-Hey, this leaves Kitty dateless. You know, Someone requested a change of partners for her anyway. . .  
  
Kitty-What am I? Comic whore? That's Stacy's job! I Won't do it!  
  
Panther-(motions to Kitty) Now I know you can't do that. Okay, re-write.  
  
(The author and his other head do an odd huddle. Eventually Davis and Sam enter the huddle as well. Finally they break.)  
  
Sam-We have reached tha descision-  
  
Davis-After much deliberation-  
  
Panther-That-  
  
We don't care. You'll have a new date, who has not dressed as female. . .recently.  
  
(Kurt falls out of the skY)  
  
Kurt-Ow. Shisse!  
  
Kitty-Me and. . .Hey Kurt.  
  
(The author, his other head, and the other two males smile amongst themselves.)  
  
Time in.  
  
***  
  
Kitty is standing by herself. Piotr got a message that Illiyana (who is also magically back from the dead), is in trouble; so of course he's rushing off as only a big brother can. This leaves Kitty, regeretfully, dateless.  
  
Kurt notices this and 'ports over to get her to stop thinking of ways to kill Piotr for standing her up.  
  
"Kitty, are you okay?" The obvious start. Kitty looks at Kurt, like she's seeing him for the first time. And she is, since between the whole weird thing with John and everyone and their grandma fornicating everywhere, Kurt had decided that maybe he should have his own place to live off Xavier's money.  
  
"Yeah, I'm okay. My date just rushed off to save his sister."  
  
Kurt gives her a sympathetic look. "Amanda has left the country with her parents. I am dateless too."  
  
Kitty looks at Kurt, who is comiserating. "Really?"  
  
"Ja."  
  
Kitty thinks about this for a second. Several things happen during this second. She notices that Kurt is the only one who's come to comfort her. Kitty also notices that Kurt had grown up a lot since the last time they'd seen each other. The final thing she notices is that he has grown up well, and his current clothing shows that off to his endless advantage.  
  
"You want to dance with me?" Kitty asks, motioning to the dance floor. Kurt grins.  
  
"Of course."  
  
So, the couples danced and schmoozed until John and Jean arrive. Then there is more dancing, more schmoozing, and a toast or two. Scott even makes his alcoholic presence known.  
  
"I would like to wisssshhhhh zzze be't in the world for Jean and John. Let their children be not ssscrewed up, and-" Scott breaks off into sobbing. He is led away by a sympathetic Evan. Bobby claps just to get things rolling again. SOmeone throws a dinner roll at him.  
  
Then the usual traditions begin. First is the dance with John and Jean leading. They dance to Barry White's 'Let's get it On'. Soon everyone is dancing. Even Scott is trying not to get motion sick on Callisto, who looks ready to kill Evan for talking her into this.  
  
Everyone has a lot of fun dancing, until the D.J. announces that it's time for the most famous of all wedding traditions, the bouquet/garter toss.  
  
Everyone seems to be confused about whether they should be catching the bouquet or garter. Traditon is slightly overridden by the assumed gender of the participants. Eventually they decide everyone should try to catch both.   
  
The first thing to go is the bouquet. Jean, who has dreamed all her life of doing this, takes the red carnation out of her tuxedo jacket and throws it over her shoulder. After a few flying leaps either toward or away from the flower, Remy winds up holding the flower.  
  
People ooh, and generally expect Rogue to try extra hard to either catch John's garter or kill Remy in the parking lot. Everyone gathers around Jean, who slowly pulls John's crimson garter off, showing his blue panties (he had the botched sex change reversed) to the gathered mutants.  
  
Finally the small elastic band is shot (yes, classic rubber band style, by John), into the crowd. After a lot of fighting, Kurt teleports, along with the garter, behind the married couple.   
  
Remy looks from the triumphant Kurt to his date, who is sitting placidly at their table, looking very amused. She takes a drink of her daquari and smiles at Remy, motioning him to go sit with Kurt for the obligatory picture.  
  
There is much cat calling as Kurt and Remy try to figure out how to utilize the one chair they've been given. Both are secretly hoping Remy will not have to sit on Kurt's lap. Because of his height and his gender this would obviously be uncomfortable for both.  
  
Eventually Kurt winds up sitting with Remy's arms around him. Remy is standing behind the furry German. The only way either male would cooperate was the promise that if they didn't Jean would give them a t.k. lobotomy.  
  
The picture is taken, copies are demanded, and both males go back to their females, nursing wounded prides.   
  
The night winds down early because John is getting too tired to stay up for a long time. All the mutants go home. Scott is shoved off on Lance, who is trying to ignore Scott's begging to have sex with the perturbed earth shaker.  
  
Kitty goes to Kurt's apartment, just to check the place out. It's completely innocent, until Kitty decides maybe she should move out of the institute too. Her roommate is spending every night in Remy's room, why not have both of them move out and close the room up?  
  
Anyway, everyone goes home, minus Jean and John, who go to Montreal for their honeymoon. All couples, minus Kurt and Kitty, get laid that night, including Scott who is shoved off on Fred. Fred was drunk and confused, in his defense.  
  
***  
  
Well, I'm proud of that one.  
  
Remy-I have blue fur all over me. Y' a damn lucky sheep y' wrote me 'n' Rogue gettin' some time together without Scott. I bet Ripleys would pay big money f'r you two.  
  
Panther-Aww, ya hear that Juliano? He says we're valuable.  
  
I don't think. . .never mind Panther.  
  
Sam-Okay, who wants ta drink the champagne left ovah from tha weddin'?  
  
(Davis grabs a bottle and drink somenot bothering with a glass.)  
  
Davis-I needed that so bad. This is killing my gay-dar. Hell, being around Juliano sets it off.  
  
(The author's other head giggles. The author harumphs but doesn't say anything.)  
  
Rogue-Okay, Ah think we've earned a break. That's the most actual story we've evah done in this fic.  
  
John-Yeah. Let's fade to black. Bollocks I'm tired.  
  
Okay. Next chapter will take place after a time warp.  
  
(Everyone rolls their eyes while the famous Rocky Horror Picture song plays.)  
  
(We fade to black) 


	8. What are Condoms for Again?

(We see the same group of people, minus Peter, plus Kurt (that's all the math, I swear) sitting around. John looks like he's about to pop. Jean is playing with his now short hair. Hers has once again grown out. It's not quite back to it's former Abecrombie and Fitch model beauty, but she could get by in American Eagle. The others look pretty much the same.)  
  
And we're back! Yeah! Okay, here's the moment John has been waitng for all these seven chapters. The birth of his daughter.  
  
(Polite clapping. Rogue looks slightly off at these words, but only Remy notices.)  
  
Remy-(whispering to her) Chere?  
  
John-Thank God! I'm tired of trying to squeeze through the shower door.  
  
(This time Kitty has a reaction. Kurt smirks to no one in particular. Sam makes a face.)  
  
Sam-Ah'm gonna need therapy.  
  
Panther-Yeah, we all will. Killian, do you think you and Ben could play with Sam so he feels better? I think he's in sibling withdrawl.  
  
(Killian concentrates very hard, on something beside the book that is perched on his not even a year old knees.)  
  
Panther-Oh, seems like you're studying. Parts of the brain, right?  
  
(Killian nods.)  
  
Panther-(gushing with pride) Good boy. Maybe you could figure out how to stimulate the hypothalamus, and we could sell the information.  
  
(Killian smiles at Panther.)  
  
Rogue-Uh, could we get to the story?  
  
(Everyone looks at Rogue in shock.)  
  
Remy-Y' okay? None of us have _asked_ f'r de story t' start. Ever. 'S not right.  
  
As you like it Rogue.  
  
(Remy takes the time away form his worrying about Rogue to smirk at the author for a second.)  
  
***  
  
John is asleep on the bed in his room. Jean is brushing her hair, singing a song that has been stuck in John's head all day.  
  
"Love, could you stop? I'm tired. God I just want to curl up and AH!"  
  
Jean jumps, immediatly by John's side.  
  
"Darling?"  
  
John eases. "Just the baby. A contraction."  
  
Jean's eyes go wide. "You mean. . ."  
  
John holds his hand up, motioning for Jean to stop. "Not yet. This is just the first one. They don't usually-GAH!"  
  
Jean freaks out. She has him t.k.ed out of the bed, in clothes and out the door before he can say anything.  
  
In the hallway John rolls his eyes and grabs his calf. "I have a charlie horse Jean. Calm down."  
  
Jean looks embarrassed and sets John down. John limps back to their room, past Rogue.   
  
Rogue doesn't even look at the two transvestites. She is too engrossed in something she's carrying. But neither married person knows or cares what it is.  
  
But Rogue obviously does and goes to the rec. room, where Remy, Scott (who is wasted), Bobby, and Jamie are playing Blackjack. Without saying a word Rogue grabs Rmey and hauls him out of the room.  
  
Remy is busy wondering what the hell is up. He's a little worried, but not going to say anything until Rogue loosens her death grip on his arm.  
  
They finally get to their room. Rogue lets go of Remy, who is immediatly checking her for some clue as to what the hell is going on. At first he thinks she's hurt, but she doens't have a mark on her. Well, beside a few from the Danger Room and a few hickeys.  
  
Remy discovers his usually good sized paitence was running very short. "What the hell?"  
  
Rogue doesn't say a word, but shows him the thing in her hands. His eyes widen, then squint, then widen again.  
  
"Y'. . .w'. . .a kid?"  
  
Rogue nods glumly. Remy absorbs this for a second.  
  
***  
  
I hope this time out thing doesn't become a habit.  
  
Remy-(sarcastic) Sorry. Y' LIED T' US! Y' PROMISED DAT ROGUE 'N' I WOULDN' BE PARENTS!  
  
Shhhh. Panther, I'll let you take this.  
  
(Panther panic momentarily.)  
  
Panther-Okay. You were originally going to stay kidless. But I read this thing, and I got attacked by a plot bunny-  
  
(Ben perks his ears up)  
  
Panther-No, not you Ben. You were Angel in the centerfold, remember? Anyway, the plot bunny turned out to be rabid. And he brought friends. I couldn't help but listen to it!   
  
(Remy gives her a very evil look. I'm starting to worry for my other head. Now if it were Killian he's threatening. . .)  
  
Panther-(very irked tone) Juliano. (back to half pleading) Remy, you haven't seen plot bunnies in action. Even a cute one like Ben is. . . *shudder* scary.  
  
(Remy continues glaring. But by this time Rogue is pissed off at him)  
  
Rogue-Stop it now Remy. Is there a reason you don't want me to be pregnant with you child?  
  
Remy-(darkly) Not sure it's mine, chere.  
  
(the author and his other head look deeply hurt.)  
  
Remy! You know that we're not that evil.  
  
Remy-Y' have a friend who gave y' son scalpels 'n' other things like dat.  
  
Not _my_ son.  
  
(Panther smacks the author. She then goes over and smacks Remy.)  
  
Panther-Listen. I may be an evil scientist, and I may have vivisected my other head's body so my son could practice on it, and I may have raised the John's preggers bunny, but I have my limits.  
  
Remy-Y' broke up Scott 'n' Jean.  
  
Panther-Yeah, well. . .they annoy me. But you two have been my favorites since I first saw the campy old cartoon with horrible clothing and dialouge. I even pretended to be Storm because I couldn't even attempt a southern accent and didn't want to screw up my favorite character. I then found out how truely awesome Storm is, but that's another anecdote.  
  
Rogue-Ya sure as hell screwed me up here though!  
  
Panther-Nope, that was Juliano. Anyway, long story short, you two will be having a child. That child will be yours, and no one else's.  
  
Davis-(whispering to Sam) I think we just heard verbal fine print.  
  
(Sam nods)  
  
***  
  
"Damn."  
  
Rogue nods again.  
  
Remy smiles a bit. "Hey, 'least we know who the baby's daddy is."   
  
Rogue smiles a bit. She plops down next to Remy.  
  
"Oh Gawd, it's gonna grow up with John 'n' Jean's kid."  
  
Remy stops for a second. "Merde. Well, dere are worse things. Could be Scott's kid."  
  
Rogue rhinks about this for a second. "True."  
  
---  
  
Kurt is sleeping in his apartment with Kitty. The phone next to the bed rings. He sleepily answers the phone.  
  
"Hallo? Was?"  
  
Kitty wakes up. Kurt looks like he's going to faint. He 'ports himself and the cordless phone to hhis kitchen, still holding it in a death grip.  
  
"They won't let you join? You're not a nun yet! Oh, ja, I guess I can understand. . ."  
  
Kitty walks into the kitchen. Kurt quickly cuts the other person off and hangs up.  
  
"Kitty, I have to go. Something has come up, and it's too important to wait. I'm sorry."  
  
Kitty looks worried. "What's up Kurt?  
  
Kurt sakes his head. "I can't tell you. I'm so sorry Kitty. So so sorry."  
  
With that Kurt bamfs to his room to pack.  
  
---  
  
John is trying to get some sleep. The beginning contractions had been tolerable, but now he can't sleep a bit. And they're gettting worse. The fact that he has a charlie horse and very over protective husband doesn't help.  
  
John is catching a few winks when he has a killer contraction. He sits up in bed, holding his stomache.  
  
"Owowowowowowowowowowowow."  
  
Jean wakes up and shakes her head. "John, we are leaving for the hospital _now_."  
  
John just nods meekly and holds his stomache.  
  
The entire institute couldn't help but be there for the birth. The fact that Jean telepathically told them to be there may have had something to do with this.  
  
It was pretty quick. This may be because of spousal interference, but I don't think John much minded. ANyway, the end result (AN: gross gross gross) (PN: Who wanted a baby?) (AN: shut up Panther), is a girl, um, usual baby weight and length. She was dubbed Loraine Grey. There was much oohing and awwing, and a few glances between Rogue and Remy no one else caught.   
  
***  
  
We'll just ignore how skeletal that last part was. So gross. *Shudder*  
  
Kurt-I have such a bad feeling right now.  
  
Kitty-You apologized an aweful lot. . .  
  
Sam-Anarchy in the ranks. This is what comes of bringing Panther into anything. Juliano, you're just freaky. Panther's a freaking anarcist.  
  
Panther-I want to be, anarchy!  
  
Davis-See? She knows too many Sex Pistols songs.  
  
Panther-You like the Ramones better? Or maybe the Clash. I've been looking into NOFX recently. . .  
  
Davis-let's not talk about punk now.  
  
(Rogue and Remy are getting their coats on.)  
  
Where you two going?  
  
Rogue-Doctah. Ah'm a little worried about whacha said about our child. Just want ta make sure it ain't messed up. Or a hermaprodite.  
  
Panter-Hey. We don't have any hermaprodites, Juliano.  
  
(Rogue puts her hand over her mouth. Remy quickly ushers her out the door.)  
  
Luckily for them the plot bunny dictated the genders of their children.  
  
Sam-Ah! That's the verbal fine print.  
  
Davis-So her next kid is going to be Remy's? Or she going to have to do Scott again?  
  
Panther-You'll see beb. For now, I'm Panther Nesmith  
  
Sam-Ah'm Sam Guthrie  
  
Davis-I'm Davis Cameron  
  
And I'm Juliano. . .hey, I don't have a last name.  
  
PAnther-And we're saying Peace and Love, and don't forget to spay or neuter your signifigant other.  
  
(fade to black) 


	9. Viva Las Vegas!

We'll just start the story, okay?  
  
***  
  
Rogue nervously fingered the hem of her dress. It was a week after Fifi's birth, and Rogue and Remy were eloping. Rogue's future husband was digging through his closet, looking for something clean.  
  
"Sugah, ya need any help?" Rogue called, trying to keep her impatence out of her voice. She just wanted to marry him and start their honeymoon. Oh Lord did she want to start on the honeymoon. Especially since she was getting a good long look at Remy's ass, boxers stretching over his butt like a red flannel second skin. Her mind was full of the thought of pulling him out of her closet and ripping the underwear right off of him.  
  
Remy backed out of the closet triumphantly holding the clothes he'd been looking for. He turned around before Rogue's brain could restart, and he saw her looking at him like she'd never seen a man before.  
  
"Wait an hour chere, 'n' I'm all yours."  
  
Rogue snapped out of her X rated dream. "Ah don't care about elopin' right now. C'mere an' Ah'll save us from wastin' an hour."  
  
Remy entertained the thought for longer than he thought he should. "'S much as I like de thought, I want t' go t'rough with dis. C'mon. After I get dressed, it's a quick fly t' Vegas, an' a ten minute ceremony, with a very long honeymoon."  
  
Rogue nodded and threw the last of her clothes into her suitcase while her fiance (and yes, even though they are eloping Rogue got a big rock (and I'm not just talking about the ring)), got dressed. When both their bags were packed they quietly snuck to the hangar, where a new Blackbird was sitting nice and polished next to the older slower one.  
  
Remy grinned at him wife to be, while making a grand sweeping motion to the new jet. "After you, ma cherie."  
  
Rogue walked into the jet and took a deep breath. "Ah love that new jet smell. Ya comin' sugah, or am Ah marryin' mahself?"  
  
Remy quickly boarded the plane. "Not even married yet and y' bossin' me around."  
  
Rogue leaned her upper body on Remy and ran her hand over his clavicle, enticing shivers from her already aroused fiance. "Keep actin' like ya don't like it that way sugah."  
  
Remy kept his mouth shut. He knew there would be plenty of time to show her exactly how he liked it. But for now, he had a plane to fly.  
  
---  
  
Scott sat in the professor's office. He was holding his head, bemoaning his lack of alcohol. The professor was trying to help him with his alcoholism.  
  
"Scott, you are stronger than the liquor. Fight the addiction."  
  
The professor was in his head, trying to cure the need for alcohol telepathically. His face was very close to Scott's, because the proximity helped. Scott was struck by a sudden urge, and grabbed the professor and kissed him passionately.  
  
The professor broke the kiss and looked at Scott. Scott looked down at his former mentor. And they met in the middle, tongues tangling almost in mid-air.  
  
---  
  
Rogue kissed her husband. They were standing in front of a neon crucifix, and a man with a priest's collar stuck in his expensive three piece suit signed their marriage papers. Remy quickly took the kiss deeper, pulling Rogue against him, trying to press as much of her against him as possible. Rogue moaned, but gently pushed him off of her.  
  
"Very nice, very nice. Now get out of here. I got a line forming at the drive thru. Father Drapp is on a cigarette break."  
  
Remy and Rogue didn't have to be told twice. They beat a trail to the hotel.  
  
Once the got there things really heated up. Remy carried Rogue into the room, classic style, and set her on the bed. He 'lost ballance' and dropped on top of her. Pinning her to the bed, though I don't think she minded.  
  
Remy resumed kissing his wife passionatly while his hands worked at the zipper of her dress.  
  
***  
  
Panther-Didn't you yell at Rogue for attempting to write smut? Isn't that why she had to sleep with Scott?  
  
That was Out of Character smut. They just got married for crissake!  
  
(the author is smacked by his other head)  
  
Panther-If you're not going to follow your own rules. . .  
  
Fine. Anyone who wants the X rated version should tell me in a review, and I'll see what we can do. Maybe I'll keep the comentary in.  
  
(Rogue and Remy are looking very evilly at Juliano. Uh oh.)  
  
Rogue-Ah don't want mah marraige night at be published.  
  
But you wrote sex earlier. . .  
  
Rogue-It was the only way fo' me 'n' Remy ta be togthah in the main fic.  
  
Has it occurred to you this isn't your real honeymoon?  
  
Remy-I'd like t' know what we did durin' de t'ree way wit' Scott, actually. Wanna know what I have t' kill dat gay bastard fo'.  
  
Panther-Play nice or you won't play at all. We still control your babys' appearance and paternity.  
  
Remy-I'm jes' statin' de fact dat he is gay. It's not bad, jes' disturbin' dat he'd choose t' have sex wit' de prof.  
  
Panter-Good point.  
  
(Sam and Davis nod)  
  
Sam-Can Ah just say these kids are gonna be real fucked up?  
  
Davis-Yeah, look who thought them up.  
  
(The author stops picking pens out of his fleece. Panther grins evilly.)  
  
Panther-Who, us?  
  
  
  
Let's just keep going, okay?  
  
***  
  
John trudged into Fifi's room. She was deemed too small for her long first name, and given the nickname Fifi. And she was squalling.  
  
"Shhhh." John said, picking Fifi up. She kept screaming. He checked her diaper, but that turned out to not be the problem. So John sighed and sat down. It was two am and he had to breast feed his daughter.  
  
It wasn't until Fifi was settled he realized how wrong the picture of him breast feeding his daughter was.  
  
Jean rolled over in bed and noted her wife's absence. She would have trudged over to help with Fifi, but went for a telepathic 'I'll get it next time, baby,' and went back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
Panther-So wrong.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Panther-(looks up fromher homework.) Uh?  
  
Nevermind. Loup let you copy her old A&P homework?  
  
Panther-Yeah. You'd think an evil scientist would love this but. . .Killian, beb, wouldja help Juliano with the good bye?  
  
(Killian projects something to his mother.)  
  
Panther-I know baby, but I need to do this damn micro-anatomical stuff. DAMN YOU MITOSIS!  
  
(Killian puts a hand on his mother's leg. She sits down, giving the small demon a smile.)  
  
Panther-Sorry beb. You go ahead and work on your work with the hypothalamus. SAM! DAVIS! Help Juliano.  
  
Davis-Yes mistress.  
  
Sam-Okay, um, next chaptah has the lil' LeBeaus, an' Fifi. No smut, and a fun twist or two. Until then, I'm Sam Guthrie,  
  
Davis-I'm Davis Cameron,  
  
Panther-I'm busy,  
  
Killian-[Kill-Ian Nesmith]  
  
And I'm Juliano, saying. . .um: Las Vegas, marraige place of horney pregnant women, alcoholic tight arses, and bald mentors. What you do here stay here. 


	10. Twin Terrors

(Everyone is sitting around. The author doesn't have his image inducer on, and is talking with his other head.)  
  
Panther-But we didn't have any ideas! We used all our pregnant things with John. Doing them with Rogue would be extraneous.  
  
You could have at least let me write a few. . .adult chapters.  
  
Panther-Do you _want_ to be kicked off ff.net?  
  
I think it would be something to brag about.  
  
Panther-*shakes head* Killian, honey, will you track down the others? We need to get this chapter on the road.  
  
(Panther's demon adopted child runs off, followed by his pet plot bunny, Ben.)  
  
Panther-I can't believe we messed up and gave away our big plot twist. The verbal fine print effect is ruined!  
  
Shhh! They don't know yet. . . Aw hell, you're right. Let's just introduce the little un's okay?  
  
(The cast enters. They seem much older. John and Jean's kid, Fifi, is playing with two boys. One has white hair on the right half of his head, and brownish red hair on the left half. He has green on black eyes, and apparently answers to the name Skylar. His twin brother is hanging out near by, unknown to Fifi, about to ambush her. This one is named Otheo, and he has multiple white stripes radiating from his face, surrounded by brown hair. He has red and white eyes, and a very evil expression at present. Jean t.k.s him to a stop after he launches himself at her daughter.)  
  
Jean-I feel like someday these three are going to have group sex.  
  
(The author and his other head look at each other conspiratorily.)  
  
John-Love, please don't give them any more ideas.  
  
(A big poodle puppy with a very evil look bounds in after Fifi.)  
  
Fifi-Butch! Sit. Stay. Good Butch.  
  
Let's get going huh? Kitty, where's Kurt?  
  
Kitty-He took off, remember?  
  
You mean he's not back?  
  
(Killian shakes his head.)  
  
Well, we'll take care of that while this chapter plays out. Attitude, Killian, keep the inmates in line, boys.  
  
(The dragon and the winged serpent (The author is smacked by Panther), watch the next scene happen while the two headed sheep goes off to find our misplaced German)  
  
Owwww  
  
***  
  
Rogue was running her fingers through her husband's hair. His head was on her lap. They were out on a blanket in the grass, where a picnic had taken place. Kitty was playing with the children, while John, Jean, Rogue, and Remy relaxed.   
  
"I have to hand it t' y' Jean. Dis wasn' such a bad idea." Remy said, trying to dig his head deeper into Rogue's lap. Considering he was facing her, this may not have been the most innocent thing he's ever done. Rogue pretended not to notice, much to her husband's enjoyment. He slid his hands up her thighs, working his fingers into her shorts-  
  
ZAP!  
  
Four sets of eyes look over at the children. Scott had been in his room recovering from a hangover all day. But then the unmistakable sound of his powers had come from where the children were. This could have been a bad thing, but for who was not certain. The children had an instictual dislike of the drunk ex-leader. And they knew that being married to an old bald guy who called him 'Sugar Bum'was very wrong.  
  
Kitty looked at Otheo in shock. So did Fifi, who was holding Butch on a short leash. Skyler looked at his mother, scandalized.  
  
"Momma! Why does Otheo have Scott's powers!"   
  
Now Skyler was little. Three, tops. But he knew when things weren't right. The emotions from the adults were usually a good clue. They didn't know he had his powers, and he was kind of glad. He had strong charm and empathy, which only came in handy if the people you use it on didn't know. Spoiled? You better believe it.  
  
Rogue groaned and tried to hide her head in her knees. But since her lover's head was still in her lap, this didn't work out so well. She almost choked Remy before he pulled his head away.  
  
"Be careful, chere. Y' almos' took m' head off." Remy said, focusing on the pain instead of his strong deisre to storm into the manison and rip the gonads off their alcoholic ex-leader. But then the professor would probably wipe Remy's mind for rendering his husband useles in bed.  
  
"Why God? Ah'm not that bad a person am Ah?"  
  
***  
  
(Killian looks at the adults, who are very angry. Killian wishes his mom would get back soon.)  
  
Remy-Okay, Killian, 'm gonna have t' talk t' y' mom's other head.  
  
(Killian concentrates on the words 'They're busy' very hard. This yeilds no effect. At least not on Remy)  
  
Kitty-(slighhtly automatically) They're busy. Probably still looking for Kurt.  
  
(Killian smiles in a self satisfied way.)  
  
(Rogue is crying. Otheo looks at her, a little upset. Killian sees how unhappy the other, older, kid is, and semi-grins.)  
  
Killian-[Show him to steal the anatomy book.]  
  
Sam- Uh, maybe you should just finish this chapter. Ah don't think Killian's gonna be much help.  
  
(Killian frowns. He moves toward Sam. Attitude notices this and grabs the back of the boy's shirt in his mouth and gently pulls him away from the clueless Kentucky boy.)  
  
Attitude-(after putting Killian in the curl of his tail, to keep the boy in check) Perrrrhaps you shhhould nooooooot uuuunderrrrrestimate the child. Paaaaanther is very crrrrrreative, IIIIII'm suuuuuure herrrrrrr sooooooon wouldddddddd be too.  
  
Rogue-Ah just want ta get this ovah with.  
  
Attitude-Whhhhhhhy? Issssss yourrrrrrr soooooooon sssssssssuddenly sooooooomeonnnnnnnnnnnnne elsssssssssse? Thisssssssss shhhhhhhhould noooooooooot chaaaaaange thingsssssss. . .muchhhhhhh.  
  
(Rogue sniffs, but sees the truth in this.)  
  
Rogue-Poor Otheo. Ta have that fo' a fathah.  
  
Attitude-Yesssssssssss. Buttttttttt noooooooooow you mussssssssssssst fiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiish the chhhhhhhhhhhapter. I ddddddddddooo notttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnt to beeeeeeeeeee herrrrrrrrrrrrre alllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
  
Remy-Den maybe y' shouldn' have so many lines.  
  
(Attitude glares at Remy, who wisely shuts up.)  
  
***  
  
Rogue uncurled herself and ran over to her boys. John also ran over and grabbed Fifi, who was very scared.  
  
"Daddy! He's got Scott's powers! But he don't have Scott's funny glasses!" John shushed Fifi, on his way to pack up the picnic things with his husband.  
  
Rogue looked her boy over. Otheo was still surprised looking. He was also crying. But his eyes were open, showing he had much better control than his father. Rogue silently thanked God for small favors. She saw Remy going to check on Skylar, who was a little freaked out. And irritated that Rogue hadn't answered his question.  
  
"Poppa, why's Otheo got Scott's powers?"  
  
Remy tried to explain things. He really did. But what came out of his mouth instead of the truth was "Go ask y' Momma."  
  
Rogue took this as an insult. She stood up, with Otheo in her arms. Remy realized what she thought he meant. Skylar hauled butt out of there. He knew Momma and Poppa were going to have it out.  
  
"Ah'm goin' in." Rogue said coldly, rubbing Otheo's back and trying to make him stop crying.  
  
Remy was shocked. She sounded very angry, but she left instead of giving him an ass kicking? "Damn. Dis is worse 'n' I thought. What if she's still seein'. . .non. She isn' still havin' sex wit' him. He's too drunk t' find his own ass wit' bot' hands 'n' a big flashlight most' de time. An' she's got me."  
  
Remy went quiet. He also went inside.  
  
Rogue fumed silently. She sat Otheo on the counter and looked him in the eye. This wasn't right. How could she have gotten pregnant with two men's children? How could Remy be such a heartless bastard? Was every man she'd ever had sex with a total and utter jerk?  
  
"Otheo, sugah, have ya seen Scott lately?" Her mind quickly went over its options. [Maybe his powers are like mine, only controlled.] A very optimistic part of her said. But she also had a realistic part going, [It's possible to get pregnant by two different men at the same time. Especially when you have three way sex a few times.]  
  
[Shut up!] the optimist roared. I never said it's a nice part of her brain.  
  
[Bite me 'the glass is half full'!] The realist yelled back.  
  
Rogue groaned and grabbed a dining room chair to sit on. Scott chose that moment to come in, looking for Scotch.  
  
"What the fuck?" he slurred, seeing Rogue holding her head and Otheo looking slightly frigtened. In Otheo's little kid's brain, connections were being made. [Okay. Momma freaks out when I have Scott's powers. She then freaks out even worse when she asks me about Scott. Scott musta hurt her! I'll show him not t' mess with my Momma!]  
  
With these thoughts running around in his brain, Otheo attacked Scott. Rogue was broken out of her internal cat fight to watch her son and his father fight.  
  
"Otheo, stop it, sugah. Ah need at tell ya somethin'."  
  
Otheo let go of Scott's ears. Scott fell on his butt, still wondering why the child is attacking him. It's not like it was Otheo's scotch he was stealing.  
  
"Scott, ya might wanna listen too." Scott obediently sat down at the kitchen table. He knew what would happen if he disobeyed Rogue in this kind of mood.  
  
"Ah think ya a fathah Scott. Otheo, sugah, Ah-"  
  
Otheo glared. "He's not my daddy! Ah have a dad, an' I like him better'n. . .de bald guy's love toy!"  
  
Remy snickered very quietly to himself. He really loved his children sometimes. Skylar giggled too. this was premium entertainment. Fifi would be _so_ jealous!  
  
"Otheo," Rogue started, trying to placate the little boy. "Ah'm not sayin' ya should call Scott 'Dad' or anything. Heaven forbid."  
  
Scott glared weakly. Remy did a little happy dance outside the kitchen, earning him a look from Kitty, who was passing by on her way to her new room (aka Kurt' old room), to do some research for a college paper. Skylar had to sit down he was laughing so hard. Well, he would have been, if he didn't know not to make noise.  
  
"But," Rogue continued, "Ah think ya should know that ya may have a few of Scott's othah traits-"  
  
"Ya mean Ah'm gonna marry a bald guy an' drink dat nasty smellin' stuff all the time?" Otheo asked, making a face. Rogue laughed a little.  
  
"No sugah. Not unless ya wanna. But ya may need glasses like Scott's someday."  
  
"Oh," Otheo said. "But do I need them now?" He looked so hopeful and little kid-ish. [Good reason,] the semi-rigteous part Rogue's brain sniped.  
  
Rogue shook her head. "Doesn' look like it, baby. Lucky you."  
  
Otheo shifted on his feet. It was so adorable. Even if he did have a drunk idiot for a father, her kids was the most beautiful precious thing inthe whole world.   
  
"So can Ah go play wit' Fifi?"  
  
Rogue nodded. Otheo ran out, smacking his father. . .er. . .Remy with the door. Skylar satrted laughing so hard he almost peed his pants. Rogue looked at the doorway and scowled. She turned her back to Remy.  
  
Scott was floored. Well, not literally (for once). But he was very surprised.  
  
"Y' mean I've got a boy with a fruity name like 'Oth-' 'Oveo' 'Oth-'. . .that?" Scott slurred.  
  
Rogue glared and stalked out of the room. This time Remy dodged the door before he was hit again. He let her go to her room to fume for a bit. Best thing to do would be wait until she was calmer, then state his case.  
  
---  
  
Kurt stood outside the institute with a small girl. She held his hand tighly and flicked her furless tail agitatedly.  
  
"Dad, are we gonna go in, or just stand here all day?"  
  
Kurt smiled down at the little girl. She played with the hem of her skirt. "You ready to go in?"  
  
The girl nodded. Kurt held on tightly to her and teleported into is old room.  
  
Kitty looked behind her at the familiar noise of Kurt teleporting. When she saw him, she immediatly lept on him and grabbed him in a huge hug. The little girl was shoved away from her father by the force of Kitty's hug.   
  
The little girl pouted from the floor for a little bit.  
  
"DAD!"  
  
Kurt gently pryed Kitty off of him and went to help the girl up.  
  
"Katzen, this is my daughter, Maureen."  
  
***  
  
Attitude: Duuuuuuuuunnnnn Duuuuuuuunnnn Duuuuuuuuunnnnn.  
  
Sam-Yano, it lacks a lil' umph when he does it.  
  
(Davis nods. Panther/Juliano flop down on the couch next to him.)  
  
Everybody happy?  
  
(Everybody starts complaining.)  
  
Good. Until next time then.  
  
Panther-um, Juliano, I don't think that was so smart-  
  
Night!  
  
(fade to black, as a mob of angry X-men surround the author's couch)  
  
Sam-Mommy. 


	11. Thanksgiving, part one

Juliano and hte new authoress are sitting on a couch surrounded by angry X-men. Juliano has a fat lip and a black eye. The author is Patching her jeans, while still wearing them, shaking her head.)  
  
I told you so.  
  
Julinao-Shut up! God! It's bad enough you've hosted a hostile take-over.  
  
I warned you. This fic is going nowhere with you behind the wheel. No one wants to work with you.  
  
(Killian walks in and hands Juliano a flexible ice pack)  
  
Juliano-(Wincing as he puts the ice pack on) Thanks squidge. Let's just get this over with.  
  
Rogue-Ah can't b'lieve we haveta work Thanksgivin'.  
  
Davis-Thanksgiving? Is this the thingy Sam went to be with his family for?  
  
Yep. And in honor of this holiday, I'm bringing in the parents' parents.  
  
(all stop looking angry, and start looking like deer in headlights)  
  
Rogue-(frightened) Mah momma . . .  
  
Remy-(with a small shudder) Jean-Luc . . .  
  
Scott-(slow horror) Corsair . . .  
  
Jean-My dad's going to find out about my sex change!  
  
John-You didn't tell him?  
  
Jean-(Looking at feet, embarrassed) Well, he was just so happy to have a son. . .  
  
Wow. This is going to be crazy. Let's go!  
  
***  
  
Jean sat in the war room humming happily. He was looking forward to a good dinner prepared by the women of the institute. The sounds of the preperations were very loud. It sounded like a war. Scottw as holding his head and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Remy was sulking in a chair, while Skylar, Otheo and Fifi got to know Miriam. Kurt was watching the little kids, to make sure they got along. In other words, he was asleep.  
  
"Y' got a tail." Skylar pointed out for the tenth time. The fact amazed him. He was thinking how many cookies he could swipe with the tail alone, much less using his hands too. Otheo had less enterprising thoughts. He was thinking about how well he could climb trees with the extra hand, which Miriam's tail seemed to eb.  
  
Miriam sighed. This was so boring! [Are all the kids here this dumb?]  
  
"Yeah, I have a tail. So?"  
  
"Y' have a tail." Skylar replied. Otheo sighed and smacked his half brother. Fifi giggled and held her hand out to the other girl.  
  
"I'm Fifi. Those two are idiots. Nice to meet you."  
  
Miriam smiled at Fifi, taking he hand. "Thanks. I'm Miriam. Boys are dumb."  
  
Fifi nodded while Skylar and Otheo stuck their tongues out at the girls. The girls looked at each other conspiratorily and started whispering.  
  
"Oops." Skylar said.  
  
"Yeah. We in trouble." Otheo argeed, as the brothers backed away.  
  
"Big trouble."  
  
The boys looked at each other. "DAD!" they yelled together, running to Remy.  
  
---  
  
Rogue pulled the green bean casserole out of the microwave. It was lightly brown, the cheese perfectly melted. It smelled heavenly. Kitty phased thruogh her, very angry. Rogue jumped in surprise and the casserole slipped out of her hands, splattering on the floor.  
  
"Dammit! That's the third one!"  
  
Ororo tried to ignore the small space cramme dwith women. Calm was needed for her arduous and important task. The oven was preheated, and Ororo wove, oh so carefully through the women, who parted like the Red Sea for Moses, reincarnated in a frozen turkey.  
  
Suddenly, Rogue's boys ran through the kitchen, covered in some sort of sticky substance. Ororo managed to keep her balance. It was the second miracel of the day. That is, until she was clotheslined by two rabid little girls.   
  
Things moved in slow motion. If yous trained, you could hear the background music. Ororo and the turkey fell, while the women watched in horror. The turkey flipped in mdiair, leaving its roasting pan behind halfway through the first flip. John cried out and tried to grab the main course. Rogue covered her eyes. Kitty secretly rejoiced that they would not be eating that poor turkey, and maybe she could talk them into a tofurkey.   
  
The turkey bounced twice, before coming to a rest at Amara's feet. The girl looked down and squealed. She didn't like beign so close to a dead piece of meat. The little kids then realized what they'd done. And they knew they'd catch hell.  
  
"Oh no." Miriam said. She hadn't ever had a lot of experience with her motehr, but she knew that the looks the women were exchanging were bad news. [I wish I could bamf like my daddy.]  
  
Fifi silently grabbed Miriam's hand, while Skylar and Otheo grabbed the girls' free hands. The small child solidarity was back with a vengaence, and the children from that moment on were like the three musketeers, only littler, an co-ed.   
  
"We should run now." Otheo said, before all three children bolted. They didn't quite know where they were going, but they knew they had to run. Thier parents would be very mad at them for this.  
  
---  
  
Corsair stood outside the institute grounds, looking from the locked gate to the building. He knew he should have teleported closer. [Last time I let a rookie teleport me when I have somewhere to be. It doesn't help that I decided to come early. Why doesn't the intercomm work? Honestly, you'd think they're ignoring me out here.]  
  
The space pirate's musing was broken by the approach of a very cherry car. A tall middle aged man stopped outside the gates and got out fo the car, which had New York plates.  
  
"Dey doan' make cars like dat no more." Jean Luc said wistfully, looking a the car. "Kids doan know how good dey got it. Dis woulda taken mont's back in my day."  
  
Corsair cleared his throat. Jean-Luc looked at him. The men stared at each otehr, both sizing the other up. Finally Corsair couldn't take it anymore.  
  
"Hi, my name is Corsair. I was invited here, but the gate's locked."  
  
Corsair held out his hand. Jean-Luc looked at it quickly before shaking it and approachign the gate. "Name's Jean-Luc. I got a boy in dere too." [Jean-Luc? At least I'm not the only one with an obviously fake name.]  
  
The men were interrupted by two pairs of screaching tires. The car they eblonged to almost hit Jean-Luc's car, but stopped jsut short. A blue woman of indeterminate age stalked out, scowling. She paused to see how much space she'd left between her car and Jean-Luc's, before kicking the cherry older car. She hated everything right that moment, and would have cheerfully shot both men trying not to look like they were staring at her.  
  
"Don't tell me they dragged me all the way up here, in November mind you, when it's so damn cold, and we're not allowed in." [*This is just great. Real nice way to great your guests. Making us stand outside in the cold on Thanksgiving. . .]  
  
Raven stalked over to the men, who were staring at her. She tugged on teh gate hard, glaring all the time. Finding it to be locked, she stalked back to her car and got a gun. [Damn gate is jsut doing this too annoy me. Just like Rogue getting marrie.d Just because I told her no man could ever be worthy of her she finds hte lowest of the low. I swear when I get my hands on him. . .]  
  
"There's more than one way to get in. Move it or I'll s hoot through you."  
  
Jean-Luc put his hand up, trying to remember why he'd thought this would be a nice vacation from the guild's bickering. He inwardly sighed. [*Self, you have to get away from your family for a little while]  
  
"How 'bout I open de gate, leavin' de lock whole and our children happier with us? I 'sume you got a little X-man in here too."  
  
"Two, actually." Raven said, lowering her gun. She was bit irked to have lost the chance to shoot something. Her bad mood demanded somehting be permanently ruined. The rest of her brain was tryign to remember where she'd heard that accent before. [It's there. Who's father could he be? Wait. . .oh. That clears things up a bit.] Raven frowned. So now she knew who was dumb enough to take in a boy who would grow up to desecrate her daughter. This was going to be a very busy time for her weapons.  
  
Jean-Luc smiled briefly at Ravan and picked the lock on the gate, trying to keep her and Corsair in view at all times. It didn't help that the lock was giving him difficulty. [*This has to be my son's work. Dammit. Open! My God could this lock be more stubborn?]  
  
"Stop!" A loud bass voice yelled from the growing line of parked cars. In their mistrust of each other, the shadier X-parents had been oblivious to the arrival of another parent. Dr. Grey immediatly assumed that the men were with the notorious, but supposedly reformed, terrorist Mystique.  
  
Things bascially would have gone to hell here, if not for the arrival of Wolverine.  
  
Logan looked around the group of angry old poeple and laughed quietly to himself, unlocking the gate. Jean-Luc just happened to be leaning on it a bit, and almost fell inward. Dr. Grey almost attacked, but was stopped by his wife.  
  
"Darling," She said, letting everyone know immediatly that Mrs. Grey was lord of the manor. "I bet the other X-men have parents too. Why don't you calm down before you give yourself a heart attack?"  
  
Dr. Grey almost argued, but saw the look on his wife's face and thought better of it. Corsair muttered 'whipped' under his breath as all the grandparents trouped into the institute. Corsair was a bit frightened. Things were already way too interresting for his taste, and they showed no sign of getting better.  
  
***  
  
I would love to continue, but this is already longer than some of my chapters. More soon! I swear.   
  
Thingys with asterisks were translated Creole, to make this more reader, and author, friendly  
  
Peace and Love.  
  
(fade to balck) 


	12. Thanksgiving, part two

(slowly fade in. The first thing that becomes apparent is all the X-men are missing. Only Killian, Juliano, and the author are present.)  
  
Shhhhh. They're hiding from their parents.   
  
Juliano-(pretends to hold a gun, Elmer Fudd style) Be vewy vewy quite. We'we hunting X-men, huh huh huh huh huh.  
  
*the author snickers*  
  
Wove, twue wove is what bwings us hewe today.  
  
*Juliano and Panther start laughing*  
  
(The X-parents walk into the room. Mr. and Mrs. Pride have joined the gang. Mystique and Jean-Luc are arguing about something.)  
  
Mystique-How could you say that things are better now? I mean, come on. Being a terrorist has become way too easy since they figured out how to make guns accurate. And motor vehicles? Don't get me started.  
  
Jean-Luc-Oui, but y' f'getting about all de good t'in's we got now. Like corrupt p'licemen wit' a very low price. 'N' all de t'ousan's of television shows t' entertain y' kids while y' off. . .doin' somet'in' else.  
  
Raven-Get over it. I know you're a thief just like your son.  
  
Jean-Luc-(not quite scard, but definitly leaning toward it) Really? How is dat?  
  
Raven-(gritting her teeth, fingers seemingly itching to go for her gun) My daughter married him and had his children.  
  
(Jean-Luc nods, then looks Raven over)  
  
Jean-Luc-He tol' me he has a crazy evil mot'er-in-law. I thought he meant just normally evil like most in-laws.  
  
(Raven grits her teeth again. Panther and Juliano (against his will) jump inbetween the two.)  
  
Hey hey hey. Why don't we all go and start the story? It'll be a nice Thanksgiving treat for all the lovely reviewers (yep, all two of 'em. Happy thanksgiving Steahl! And um, hi Chaos!)  
  
(all X-parents grumble. Just before things start we can hear Dr. Grey)  
  
Dr. Grey-I can't wait to see James!  
  
***  
  
The older people were led into the living room. The war-like sounds were still coming form the kitchen. Miriam, Otheo, Skylar, and Fifi were hiding in various places in the livign room. The adults saw them, but pretend they don't. Logan just shook his head and left. [This is a really good time to fake a trip to Canada. Good luck guys. See ya in a week.]  
  
Otheo and Skylar waited until Logan had left to pounce on Jean-Luc and Raven. Both pretended to be surpirsed. Raven was holding Otheo upside down and tickling him before the little boy got a chance to finish his jubilant, "Gran'ma!" Jean-Luc was pretending to fight with Skylar. In other words, the grandparents were begining to enjoy themselves.  
  
Fifi came out from under the table, dragging Miriam behind her. Dr. Grey saw her with his grandparent senses. Soon he and his wife were cooing over Fifi, and even though she had no idea who they were, she soaked up the attention admirably.  
  
Miriam looked around the room. Corsair did the same. Their eyes kind of met. Miriam shrugged and goes over to him. Corsair smiled and stoops down so her can talk to her.  
  
"Hi. My name's Miriam Wagner. What's yours?"  
  
"Corsair Summers. Nice to meet you Miriam."  
  
Otheo stopepd dead. He'd been midly trauamtized since finding out he carried the dread summers genes. He looked mournfully at his grandfatehr and other brother. Then the little boy approached Corsair and Miriam.  
  
"Hi. Are y' Scott Summah's dad?"  
  
Corsair smiled at the small boy while Raven looked on in curiosity. Skylar eeped and wriggled out of his grandpa's arms. He wanted to see this. Jean-Luc looked at the space pirate, who, after Fifi had realized what was going to happen, had every child's attention.   
  
Otheo looked at his feet and cringed. He knew every eye in the room was on him. The knowledge didn't help at all.  
  
"Yes, I am. What's going on? Is something the matter?" Corsair answered, also realizing he had a large audience.  
  
Otheo looked at him mournfully. "Non. Not'in' wrong. 'Least nhot wit' Scott. But, Ah. . ." Otheo turned from Corsair and went to Jean-Luc. The older man bent down and picked Otheo up. Otheo was going to cry soon and his brother knew it. Skylar laughed evilly. Otheo shot him a dirty look. Fifi smacked Skylar. oteho smiled a little and looked back at The man holding him.  
  
"Gran'. . .non. Um, I doan know what t' call y'. Y' see. . .m'sieur, I'm not y' gran'son. My momma tol' me dat Scott's my dad, 'n' dat makes Mistah Summahs mah gran'pere."  
  
Otheo looked at eh floor behind Jean-Luc meekly, while the grandparentslooke don with the special fascination reserved for car wrecks and Jerry Springer.  
  
"You mean Scotty had sex with a woman? Hot damn!" Corsair blurted out.  
  
---  
  
"Oh mah Gawd! What are we gonna do about dinnah? This is horrible!" ROgue said, sitting down on a kitchen chair heavily. Amara was still trying to get away from the bird. But the thing seemed to eb attatcehd to her shoe somehow.  
  
Kitty piped up. "I could run out and get us a tofurkey! it's healthier, and cooks faster. Plus, no grease!"  
  
The X-women, minus Ororo who was also vegetarian, seemed not to hear.  
  
John sat down across from Rogue. She was close to tears. "All I wanted was to help bring joy to this dumb American holiday that has lost all meaning."  
  
Amara finally got tired of being pursued by teh turkey carcass and kicked at it. The turkey slid across the floor and slammed into a cabinet, splattering turkey juice all over. The women all winced and sat down around the table to figure out how to fix the mess.  
  
---  
  
The men had noticed the arrival of the parents. At least, Jean had sensed her parents were nearby and had made a very small, but terrified, noise. The men took notice. Soon they were trying to weasle the information out of the very unhappy telepath.  
  
"Come on!" Kurt said, flicking his tail in aggitation. "It can't be that bad. Beside, what else are we going to do while the women cook?"   
  
Jean wasn't anywhere close to breaking. She had her hands over her mouth and was shaking her head. The professor chose this moment to annouce his surprise.   
  
(Now, for those of you who don't read the comics, I have to explain something (coughChaoscough). The professor ahs been know, when under stress, to freak out and let his bad side manifest itself as an astral projection. Most noteable about this apparition is that it can walk (trust me. In the old cartoon no one noticed he was tryingto kill them. it was always, 'Professor! you can walk!'). Just so we're all on the same page.)  
  
The professor knew about Otheo. He also new that Scott was trying to get with Rogue because of the little boy. Scott didn't exactly want to be a father, but he didn't want to leave his child to be raised by a Cajun thief (never mind that all attempts at father son bonding had resulted in Scott loosing large amounts of money and usually getting hurt in some way). The fact that Scott was trying to get with Rogue wouldn't have bothered the professor, who still wanted to sleep with Jean. However, Scott hadn't been sleeping with the Prof. since he'd discovered his biolocial son.  
  
Sot eh professor was sexually frustrated and constnatly annoyed byt eh small children's fighting and such.  
  
"I see that Jean has noticeed my surprise. You see, I've noticed that you seem to refer to your parents a lot lately, but only Remy and Rogue have really had contact with their parents. So I took the liberty to remedyt he situation.  
  
Jean whimpered and slid down in her chair. Scott gasped and dropped his now almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Remy shrugged. Kurt bamfed down next to the professor.   
  
"Is it my mother or Raven that's coem?"  
  
The professor looked at Kurt, rejoicing evilly on the inside. "I couldn't contact your foster parents. But I'm sure Raven-"  
  
"NEEEIIIN!" Kurt yelled and bamfed to his room.  
  
All the other men loked at each other leerily. Remy had never been in the same room as his mother-in-law since Rogue had announced their mariage. And none of the other X-men wanted to be around hteir parents again. Scott was whimpering like Jean. Both looked at each other and remembered when they'd been together.  
  
---  
  
The professor had given Hank ten bucks and a cattle prod to get the X-men in the same room as teh parents. Ororo had let the Prides into the room with the other adults, before going back to the emergence freak out meeting the X-women had called.  
  
What the adults saw was anarchy. Otheo was crying. The Prides were trying to calm him and protect the other children. Dr. Grey was fighting just for the hell of it, while his wife tried to pull him out of the fray. Butt he main core of the brawl was a three way fist fight between Corsair, Raven, and Jean-Luc.   
  
It was all Raven's fault. When she'd found out about Otheo's parentage she'd laughed and done a short happy dance (being unaware that Scott was a complete and utter sot). Jean-Luc had gotten angry. He'd set Oteho down and then started argueing with Raven. One of them happened to call Scott an asshole, and Corsair threw a knick knack at them. Then things had gone to hell. Because you don't throw things at a terrorist or the equivalen tof a New Orleans mob boss with out getting your ass handed to you later.  
  
So Hank, Scott, and Remy were all trying to break up the fight. Jean was trying to escape. But Kurt, who now had Hank's cattle prod, was making sure she couldn't escape.  
  
Dr. Grey was pulled out of the fight first. The angry doctor looked at Jean, using his father senses once again. When his eyes lighted on his son, the doctor almost fainted.   
  
Mrs. Grey ran over to him and began looking him over, before seeing her darling baby boy. Leaving her husband for the X-men to deal with, she ran over to her so- duaghter.  
  
"Jim! What did you? Why do you? What?" Mrs. Grey said, before sobbing. HEr beautiful baby boy! This must be the X-men's fault! they'd corrupted her little baby!   
  
There's a saying that goes, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' A woman scorned got nothin' on a woman who just found out her child's joined a cult.  
  
---  
  
"Okay, so that's our brilliant plan?" John asked incredulously.  
  
"Have you got a better one?" Amara asked, wiping her shoe off for the fourteenth time.  
  
"No." John conceeded.  
  
"Ah'll go get the stuff. Anythin' else any of y'all want while Ah'm out?" Rogue said, gung-ho for action. Even if it mostly entailed raiding the froizen food section of Kroger.  
  
All the women shook their head. Finally Kity found an appropriate response. "Yeah but you can't buy miracles."  
  
There were glum nods all around as Rogue left.  
  
***  
  
(Killian is holding up a chalk board with very neat, if large, handwriting on it. The Chalk boards says, 'Juliano and my mother have food poisoning from my aunt's sweet potatoes. So I'm doing the outro.'  
  
Killian erases the board and writes laboriously, before holding the chalk board up again. This time it says. 'Conclusion next chapter. For my mother and her other other head, I'm Killian Nesmith, saying, "review or I'll burn out all your brain's pleasure centers and all capacity for good feelings."')  
  
Killina erases the board and toddles over to the light switch, flipping them out before leaving. 


	13. thanksgiving, part three

(we see that Juliano is sitting on the couch with Davis. He apparently has his imagine inducer on, and the men seem to be watching figure skating (because I don't like football).)  
  
I decided that, in keeping with this wonderful holdiay, we ought to have a thanksgiving meal. Killian killed the turkey, and don't worry, I'm pretty sure it didn't suffer. Now Panther's cooking it.  
  
(the sound of loud cursing and a microwave going off come from the right.)  
  
Or something like that.  
  
Davis-I'm not doing it. I'm not even American-  
  
(a Panther android (remotly controlled from the other side of Julinao's neck) walks in with two boxes of KFC)  
  
Panther-Turkey wasn't happening. So I got a slightly smaller dumb animal with comperable physiology. *throws the box onto a t.v. tray that magically appears* Eat up.  
  
Um, let's see how the X-women are doing.  
  
(A very live turkey runs past.)  
  
Panther-You see, it was still alive.  
  
Crap.  
  
(All run from the angry turkey.)  
  
***  
  
Rogue snuck back into the kitchen. She pointedly ignored the sounds of havoc coming from the living room. She was on a mission from a goddess. NOthing could distract her. Beside,s eh had to get John away formt hestove if anything was going to get done in the kitchen. You could make three of the things int he bag at one time if you used the oven.  
  
The women all looked hopefully at Rogue when she walked in with the shopping bags. The bags all seemed to be the same shape and weight, which was odd, since Rogue had three bags of whatever was in them.  
  
"You've got them?" Amara asked, hopefully eyeingt he bags. She'd never eaten what the bag contained before. It was an adventure for her. This was her penance for the turkey debacle in her opinion.  
  
Rogue nodded, taking one out to show them. All nodded approvingly. It wasn't traditional. Then again, who'd made up the traditions but a bunch of old people who weren't around to see that you kept them anymore?  
  
"Then let's start cooking." John said, grinning maniacally. Did I mention the stove was gas? Somethings about John had changed after he had grown up, but somethings had remained the same.  
  
"Johnny, Ah heard somethin' goin' on in the livin' room. Why doancha check it out?" Rogue suggested, while all the other women herded him toward hte kitchen door.  
  
"It's because I look like a man isn't it?" John said, deeply hurt and disappointed.  
  
"Yeah, it is." Kitty said, poking him in the back with an ice pick. (it's for de-icing the fridge when Bobby stands with it open too long.)  
  
John sighed and left for the living room.  
  
---  
  
Mrs. Grey had the cattle prod. This was the first thing that John saw. Only he didn't know it was Mrs. Grey. Then he saw the whole gang, X-men, terrorists, crime lords, children, all as far away from the woman witht he cattle prod as possible.  
  
What happened next has been well documented. A woman who's child is trapped under a car can lift it from hte rush of adrenaline, even is she has problems opening an almost empty jar of pickles. Think of what happeneed next as John lifting a very firey car.  
  
John's eyes widened in horror and shock,. His husband and child were in trouble! So, looking amazingly like a Dragonball z character when they're powering up, John produced, from mid air, a ball of flame and threw it at Mrs. Grey.  
  
Mrs. Grey looked at the ball fo flame, scared witless. Jean shouted and used her telekinesis to stop the giant ball fo flame. John was baffled, until Jean 'yelled' telepathically at him for almost killing her mother.  
  
[That's your mother? No wonder you turned out to have a bug up your ass.]  
  
[What?] Jean thought dangerously.  
  
[I mean,] John started, [When we first met you were uptight. But now you're only uptight when you need to be. It's the perfect balance.]  
  
Jean 'smiled', satisfied by his responsse. [Good answer.]  
  
"Mom," Jean said, decideing she might as well go for broke. "This is my wife, John."  
  
Mrs. Grey looked at John. John looked at Mrs. Grey. Mrs. Grey put the cattle prod down. With out another word, she crumpled up on the floor and wept.  
  
Everyone in the room felt more at ease when the cattle prod was safely on the floor. Raven picked it up and de-activated it, while Dr. Grey and Jean tried to calm Mrs. Grey down.  
  
Suddenly the X-women came in, bearing plates of food. They looked around at the added number of guests and trhe genral state of things in the living room. It looked there had been a war there. Ororo discreetly created a small cloud over the couch to put the fire out. Amara opened a window so they wouldn't choke on the smoke.  
  
"Ah shoula gotten mo' frozen dinnahs." Rogue said, while her mother came over to hug her, her father-in-law to say hello, her childrent o hide behind her, and her husband to hold onto her, keeping a manly appearance while he got over being terrified of Mrs. Grey. She handed the plates of food off on anyone who would take them, before hugging all of her men, minus Jean-Luc, who she managed to shake hands with and greet like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Raven waited for her hug, striking up small talk with Rogue.  
  
Fifi ran to her mother. John picked his daughter up and checked her thoroughly, making sure she was not hurt in the least. Then John hugged her tight, rubbing her head and trying to soothe her. Miriam watched sadly. Mrs. Pryde looked down at the motherless little girl.  
  
"Would you like me to hold you?" Mrs. Pryde asked. Miriam shook her head.  
  
"My daddy said I shouldn't hug strangers. I'm sorry." miriam's answer was polite, in that little kid way of being polite.  
  
Mrs. Pryde nodded. Of course the little girl had been told not to hug strangers. It made perfect sense. Miriam thanked Mrs. Pryde for her concern and went to Kurt, who picked her up and teleported as far away from his natural mother as he was capable.  
  
John and Fifi fought their way over to Jean. John pulled Jean out of Mrs. Grey support group. The group seemed to now include Scott, whom Mrs. Grey had always liked. So Corsair was congratulating him on not being completely gay. Because that's just how Corsair is.  
  
"Happy Thanksgiving, love." John said, handing Jean a formely frozen dinner he'd taken from Rogue.  
  
***  
  
Next time on John's What!  
  
(We see a clip of the Grey parents and Corsair in a verbal fight. We see Remy and Raven glaring at each other. We see Scott kissing Rogue.)  
  
Dun dun dun. See ya then! I'm Juliano,  
  
Panther-I'm Panther Nesmith, and this is my son Killian Nesmith,  
  
(Killian waves)  
  
Davis-And I'm Davis Cameron  
  
Saying happy late thanksgiving to all! And good luck finding christmas presents!  
  
(fade to black) 


End file.
